And My Scars Remind Me, That the Past is Real. I Tear My Heart Open Just to Feel

I am sorer than sore right now.
In addition to my already sore shoulders, neck and hips (i guess you'd it?), my knees and feet are killing me.
Tonight we did tap from 7-7:25, ballet from 7:30-8:45, 5 minutes break, then ballet til 8:55 and jazz from 8:55-9:05.
I just want to collapse.
I finally feel like I'm fitting in more in dance. Yay for being in the "elite line" I''d guess you'd call cause Diana puts her favorites/ones she knows can handle it in that line.
I'm really happy that I got into that line in only my second year in that class. Some girls who have been there longer still aren't in it. But they also don't try as hard as they could.
I can't stand the girls that do drugs/smoke and then complain they can't do a step. This girl in our class was like "Can we not practice the turns anymore? I'm too tired" or something to that effect. I wanted to scream. Like for real, don't smoke or do drugs if you're going to dance. And if you do? Don't complain.

I had a dream like two weeks ago that I took a razorblade to my arm and cut a bunch of horizontal lines.
I woke up freaked out.
But now I keep picturing it when I get stressed or sad.
It really bothers me, a lot.
I don't know what to do to make the image go away for good.

Sometimes I hate that my teachers don't know about my anxiety.
I mean, I was told I could be put on a special plan to lighten work and make things easier.
But life isn't going to change for me, so why let it happen now? And plus, I've been doing a lot better.
You all remember the post about the midterms, correct?
Today I go up to my history teacher to ask what he thinks my final year end grade will be because of the mid term and he's "oh yeah, cause you screwed up and didn't take it so you could fail?" and it really hit me hard.
I mean, he assumes I just didn't feel like taking it but he knows absolutely nothing.
I don't think he has the right to accuse me of being a failure.

I'm going to be up until twoish tonight because I still have homework on Julius Caesar and then history notes because I couldn't focus in class after that stupid comment. And now I have to shower, which I'll probably make long because I'm seriously just going to cry right now.. and it's easier to cry in the shower where you can't be heard.
It's been a long week and I've missed so much sleep.
My school days have consisted of making origami bunnies cause it destresses me and calms me down (plus, my friends love them, ha) and work in the classes I need it.
I spent keyboarding class today playing tetris. I wanted to play bloons but all of the sites were blocked.

I'm going to shower. And probably sleep through school tmrw. Thank God for the weekend, where I will spend every moment sleeping.

Oh, and I'm now the proud owner of a bunny named Sadie. Who we called Bunnicula which turned into Nicula which turned into Nic. So there's a Nik and a Nic in the house now. Good?