I Have Found the Safest Place to Keep all of our Mistakes. Every Dot Com's Refreshing for a Journal Update

Do you remember back to when you were a kid?
So naive, so fearless.
I remember spending the whole recess time with Alyssa, practicing cartwheels, round offs, walkovers, hand stands and anything else we could figure out how to do.
The day we learned one handed cartwheels we were both so thrilled. We thought we were practically invincible.

I spent time outside when I got home. I wanted to be able to do a back walkover. Which, I'm pretty convinced will never happened due to me being afraid.
I also wanted to be able to do this hand stand we do in dance where both legs are bent but different ways(if that makes any sense?). But in dance, we have someone holding one of our legs to balance us, and I wanted to be able to do it alone.
I was able to do it, but that's not too hard anyway.

I miss being little.
When it started thundering and lightening the other night while my mom and I were watching uptown girls, I crawled over and curled up next to her because I was scared.
I don't think I was as much scared as I was missing being held and told it would be ok, just like a kid.
I think that's why I like working with kids so much.
When you work with them you see things from their point of view; the littlest things excite them. And when Christmas is coming up, they're all excited about Santa or when Halloween comes, they can't wait to dress up. They're honest and they look up to you for guidance.
I remember when I started dance. I was so inspired by the teachers, I love them so much. It's crazy to think that the same people I looked up to, I know work with.

I've been in such a good mood.
We got offered to keep the bunny.
My mom and I don't want her but I don't want her to go to someone I don't know because I'll miss her.
So if any of you want a bunny....

xoxo<3

Wherever You Go, That's Where I Wanna Be, I Wanna Go Wherever You Lead

Good day.
I'm tired, but it was a good day.

I'm filling in for Nicole's dance class today from 4-6(well, til 5:45 because I have therapy at 6)
The first hour is a class of 3&4 year olds and the second hour is 5&6 year olds.
I get to assist with Jess Davis and Ally. Which is fine with me, but Jess hates me and Ally is a total stoner. Bahaha. It should be interesting.
Jess Davis has always had something against me. I guess it all started last year (which I wrote about in a previous post) and then she was supposed to meet some kid that she knows online like last weekend and I heard her talking about it. So at lunch I was like "So Jaime, who's that kid your sister is meeting?" And I guess Jaime didn't know. So then she wanted to know and she asked Jess about it and ended up telling Jess that I had told her.
Which I mean is ridic, because Jess probably thinks I was like spying on her and listening in to tell Jaime but honestly, I wouldn't do that. It's pointless. I was just curious and asked an unaware Jaime. Laaame.
I'm assisting with Miss Ginny though, which like I'm worried about because I've never assisted for her. But she's super nice so I'm not too concerned.

My hands are freezing because I just did a total cleaning on the bathroom. I like comet scrubbed everything and organized. But then I washed my hands like 3 times because I was disgusted. Hah. I like came home and I was like "Cleaning the bathroom sounds fun." I mean for real, that's my favorite room to clean. I know, I'm weird.

Yesterday was fun. I went to dance, went out with my aunt and then did my history essay with no procrastinating. After, I typed out more to all my dances and then got to go shoppingg :) And I finished off the night by watching Uptown Girls with my mom.

I have to go get ready for dance. I might post again later, cause I have more to say.

xoxo<33

I've Got A Feeling You Don't Care, And Everything I Say You Cannot Hear

Let's start off with the fact that Tyler might have just given me a heart attack with that LJ post. Holy fuck.

I really like being friends with Nick so much more than anything else we've been. I really kind of wish that we had just been friends since July because it's so much more, say.. fun? I was super psyched to come home and show my mom the origami (sp?) cause I felt so special making it, bahaha. I know I'm a loser :) My feet kill from walking today though. Just the balls (is that the right spelling of that?) of my feet because I was wearing my flip flops, but the walk was deff. worth it. I got to meet Tyler's girlfriend Shannon and I really like her. She's a sweetie.
The whole Kate thing. I feel like I've given her enough chances. The first time we met, like as soon as she got there I got stuck in Nick's room with just her cause he and Carl walked out, and when I tried to start a conversation, she was bitchy about it. Then she had an attitude the whole time and decided she didn't like me and left. The second time I was the one who left because things we uncomfortable. Today was not all my fault that she couldn't come over and I'm not taking her bullshit saying it was. Her loverboy Nick could've told me to go home if he had wanted to see her that bad. I would've gone home and not even cared. I had stuff to get done at home that I pushed off until tmrw. I'm honestly never going to like her because I think she controls Nick way to much and I think so needs to stop thinking he's just hers and he's her puppet or whatever. I don't care if she wants to date him, or that she's still in love with him, she has no right to tell him what to do. And I don't care if she sees this because I have no reason to live up to her expectations and to be all nice and happy with her. There's only one person I personally know that hates me so having Kate be another one doesn't bother me. I have way more friends than haters. Just felt like I should get that all out there.
I'm dead beat and will never wake up for dance tmrw but I'm finally having good weekends. The last three weekends have been good because I've been making plans and not wasting time sitting around bored. I'm finally honestly truly happy with my life and how its going. I finally have that group of friends who laugh loud in the hallways and have so much fun together; just the kind I've always envied. Everythings working out just perfect lately :)

Love & kisses,
xoxo<3

Rumors Get So Loud We Want To Scream And Shout

La la la la la la la.
I'm cold.
I wasn't really sure how to start this blog, hence the la's.

It's been a pretty good week.
My head is killing me right now, though.

Our psycho bitchy English teacher has been out since Monday.
Rumor is she's pregnant. I personally think she's too old to have kids.

The "dont-teach-at-all" science teacher left after school on Monday because her baby is due next week and her doctor wanted her home.
Our new sub is super strict, but really good at teaching.

Some girl overdosed in school yesterday which led to a major drug bust.
Apparently someone suspected she was high so they searched her and she had pills in her hands so she swallowed them all so she wouldn't get caught with them.
Then an ambulance had to be called and two girls, the overdoser and her friend who was high too (the girl I dance with, ohjoy.), were both suspended.

I'm supposed to have movie night with Eric tomorrow?
Idk, he was going to invite Ty and Shannon but when he texted Ty, Ty said he couldn't talk and Eric never texted back.
I don't know if movie night is still on?

I feel like I have plans on Saturday but I don't remember them.
And then going to see Miss Jenn in 42nd street with some of the dancers on Sunday?

I want to see haunting in ct, come with me?

Can't wait for dance classsss<3

xoxo<3

Let's Have Some Fun This Beat is Sick. I Wanna Take a Ride on Your Disco Stick

The smarter part of me is telling me not to do this.
Not to tell this kid I'm wearing a thong, describe it, and crazily flirt with him.
It the part where you know they like what they're hearing that gets me.
I haven't done anything like this since probably last early summer.
But the worst part now is that this isn't just some random myyearbook kid.. This kid goes to my school.. He's in my math class. I HAVE to see him on Monday.
He trusts me, which is fantastic, and now he knows secrets about me.
And he knows how much of a freak I am with this whole flirting thing.
He's like "I'm thinking of you, I wanted to sleep before but now I want to keep texting you."
Do you, no, do I realize how weird Monday second period will be when he does his usual come over and sit next to me?
I'm really good at screwing good things up :/

Don't You Dare Tell Me I am the Reason We Are Here...

..I've spent enough sleepless nights in my bed to know this isn't just all in my head.
Don't you say that I'm ruining what we've made, we know enough to know we're both to blame.
It's like you're leaving but you don't know the way.

Uh, that'd be my new favorite song, as of now, when iTunes shuffled it on.

I've been pretty much in a good mood the whole week.
Yay.
My mommy's birthday is on Sunday and my brother and I just made cupcakes for her while she's at work. All I have left to do is frost them.
It's just been a really good week. The mix of having my room clean/getting my haircut/eating really healthy has made me happier.
We got Wii Fit on Wednesday night. I played for and hour and a half in real time. and then the game counts exactly how long you play each game for and it was an hour and three minutes total. The game is so much fun. My favorites on it are the long run and hula hooping. I have 11 pounds left to lose to reach my Wii Fit goal. Shouldn't be hard, right?
Wrong.
The one negative of the week..
I've been eating three small meals and whenever I have a snack it's fruit, but I'm not losing anything. Plus, I've been exercising so much. And I hate it because when I go to school people are probably like "oh.. look at that girl, she probably eats cookies and mcdonalds all the time." But I dont, I don't, I don't! I've been working so very hard. -pouts- My mom's all "we'll call and see if we can get your birth control changed" because I didn't gain any weight until I started that and now I can't lose any. But I don't want to go through all that. I wish it was all easier. But Eric (not myspace Eric) said I was 'gorgeous' so I guess not everyone thinks I constantly eat junk food :)
But enough complaining, cause I'm in a good mood.
I'm going to see Mr.Seymour tonight.. not that I really want to.. But Kayla's being the formal wear escort for one of the kids that's doing it and dance team is in it so I have to go see Jaime and Kayla. At least I have Lindsey to go with me.

"Welcome to where time stands still, no one leaves and no one will"
Haha, iTunes shuffle again.
My cousin (who's 18 now) used to listen to this song all the time while I was at her house and I always wanted to listen to it and the other songs on the cd but she told me I was too young. I learned like last year apparently it was her first unedited cd and she didn't want to get in trouble, lol. But still, it used to piss me off so much.
Recital is almost here, I'm pretty much crazily excited. I wait all year for recital time, then we have recital and at the latest, two weeks later, I am already excited for the next recital again. Apparently a picture of our dance teacher is in the Wtbry Mall? Erin posted a picture of it on fbook. Yay Miss Diana. Oh yeah, and call me mean, but Meliss shouldn't be in recital. She doesn't know any of the dances. Not even kidding. She hasn't been to practice in more than two months. And when she does come, she just stands there. She's going to make us all look bad :/
Wellllll, I have to go frost the cupcakes so I can hide them in my room before mom gets home.
Talk laterrrr.

<3

Where Were You, When Everything Was Falling Apart?

I've beeen extremely happy lately.
I've been keeping everything organized and clean, eating on a really good diet, and doing well in school.
I think things are looking up.
I took my make up CAPT test today and had been told it was almost impossible.
I thought it was pretty easy.
I got a 95 on my english project even though I fucked up reciting the poem, haha.
Dance is getting close to recital time. Yay :]
I went in to class tonight and gosh, I just love those kids. I really hope I end up with a lead teacher position in the future.
I started reading a book called 'Just Listen' It's okay, I guess. The author keeps like going off to long paragraphs about things that don't matter, and totally get me off track.
I know there's no real format to this blog. I don't have anything to go into detail about tonight.
Bee tee dubbs, HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY! :D

xoxo<3

Can't You See? I'm My Own Worst Enemy. Knock Me Down, I'll Keep On Moving. Cause It's The Art of Losing.

So dance.. I hate my class.
My class has ALWAYS had a drama problem. The girls who have been there forever hate the new girls. I'm sure you've seen previous posts saying this.
We had a class discussion tonight about how Kristi feels people hate her because she's on the staff and I put in that I feel that the old girls hate all the new girls. And Kristi was quick to jump to my defense saying that I've proved myself and I always know the dances. But still, I haven't proved myself to Stephanie. She has no reason to hate me. And honestly, not to sound like a bitch but I think she does get jealous of me at times. Last year I won the Dance teacher's Scholarship Award in my 6th year of dance, and she's danced for almost 15 years and hasn't gotten it. I think she's pissed that I remember stuff that she doesn't at times and that I've done so well in that class.
I found out that Jess hates me because Nick bitched out Jaime last year when I questioned him after Jaime told me some stuff. Apparently Jess sees it as my fault, and clearly hasn't gotten over it.
I hate having friends from school in dance class. Because they never come to dance, and they don't try when they come. Kristi has addressed it so many times, and even Diana. And my school friends expect me to side with them, because we were friends longer. But I side with Kristi, because she's right. I've had to say "I can't, I have dance" so many times. Because dance is what I live for. I know how important it is and how important knowing the routines is for recitals is. And my school friends don't get it. Meliss skipped a make up practice class that she NEEDS because she knows nothing so she could go to the outlets. WTF. Recital is in 2 1/2 months. She still needs to learn the rest of the dances, not counting all the parts of the dances we already know.
I feel so torn. My friends expect me to be on their side, but I honestly can't be. Dance means so much to me.. so much more than anything else ever will. For real, I think it means more to me than getting married and/or having kids.
I remembered parts to all the dances tonight that people forgot. And after jazz Stephanie was actually nice and acknowledged that I was the one to remember.
After I came home from dance I started crying. I can't take the dance class stress anymore. My mom was like "Tell your friends how important dance is to you, and that they need to go" but I can't do that cause they get all bitchy with me.
Kayla keeps saying she's going to Aimee's Academy next year. Which honestly, I don't care. Because she can go screw up Aimee's routines, and take Meliss with her.
I really feel like my only true friend in dance class is Jaime. I love that girl with all my heart.
And Kristi's my friend too, except when Jess and Steph are around -rolls eyes-

In good dance news?
I had to fill in for Jamie Potter's assisting class tonight. Miss Rebecca was happy I was there cause apparently she "needed a break from Jamie." What I heard from the other assistant is that Jamie walks out of her assisting class to talk on her cell to her boyfriend. Miss Becky liked having me there, score for me.
Oh and my neighbor is friends with one of the girls I teach on Tuesdays? The girl saw me today and came over to say hi. It's nice to know that the girls I teach like me. Atleast that makes some people.. Even if they are all between the ages of 6 & 8.

Whatever, I hope you're all having a better day than me.
Love you guys xoxo

Post Number 61

And suddenly.. I can't sleep.
I still feel like shit, my head is pounding.
So much just popped into my head.
I haven't had anxiety like this since the beginning of February. I don't know where it's coming from.
I really have a feeling I'm not going to pass English this year, and if I don't then I'm in high school for 5 years.
I just need someone to talk to right now but I'm not one to start a conversation because I feel blah.
I want to write, but I keep blanking out and not focusing. Part of this virus or cold or whatever it is.
I don't think I ever used to get sick this much. I think having the lyme disease screwed up my immune system.
Yay. Or not really at all.

P.s- I still hate that chick.

Post Number 60

I can't sleep.
I haven't been this low in a while.
I think it's because I'm disappointed in myself.
I know I have temporary coping methods, but I keep telling myself not to use them because they're bad.
But they are oh so tempting.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be one of those always happy people in life.
Greeaaaat.

Oh Darlin, If You Leave Me, I'll Never Make It Alone

I'm not going to update about yesterday.
I believe the only two people who were there are the only two who read this.
And anything I want Lindsey to know will be told through text/mouth.

I really feel I hate this chick with an extreme passion.
I've never hated someone this much before.
Just when people mention her name, I get pissed.
My mom's all mad. "You can't judge her, you don't know her"
Fuck that, she judged me and she doesn't know me.
All she does is whine, constantly.
Get a fucking life, make some fucking friends.
K thanks.

I had dance from 8-10:30 this morning and 5-7 tonight.
This morning's class was especially rough.
Not that I kept messing up, I just had like a max of 5 hours of sleep last night.
I got home at like 10:15 last night and my mom was sleeping in my bed.
So I let her sleep for like a half hour. And at like 10:50 I woke her up.
I didn't fall asleep until like 11:30, then I woke up so many times during the night and could not sleep.
You know how there was a time change? There goes an hour. Oh and, I changed my cell time before bed so I'd be on time for dance because it's my alarm.. turns out cell's change automatically so it set me back another hour. So when my alarm went off at what was supposed to be 6:30, it was really 5:30. Well, I didn't realize that til 6:15. So then I set my alarm for 7 and tried to fall back to sleep. And couldn't. FML.

After dance, my aunt took my brother and I out.
But what I don't get is why she ALWAYS takes us towards west haven.
I dont fucking want to be anywhere near west haven.
Or new haven, which we end up in, because it reminds me of ECA and depresses me.
So I tried to sleep, which ended with her bringing me home because 'i was tired and needed sleep'
I got an hours worth of sleep then had to go to Stop & Shop because I promised one of the little girls I teach that I'd go buy girl scout cookies from her. So I did.
This is the first time in like 3 or more years that I've had them.
But ugh, they're oh so bad for you. Oh yeah, and for my diet which I was actually doing good with and doing the right way.
Fanfuckingtasic.

Aren't I just a bundle of joy tonight?
Ugh, sorrry guys. I don't mean to be all bitchy.
People just set me off.

Then I picked up Kayla and went to dance. At the Shelton studio. With the Shelton class.
I like them so much more than oxford's class. Oxford is bitchy.
Steph and Katie were there and I looove those girls (:

The highlight of my day?
The next three Sundays dance is til 10, not 10:30.

On of the many downfalls?
After those three Sundays, dance goes til 12 or later.
8-12? Not my favorite. I've done class like that before.
The last time? Two years ago.
The studio doesn't use AC so as it gets the hotter, so does the studio and so does the dancers.
The floor was gross. We were all slipping because it was covered in sweat.
I really hope it doesn't end up like that again.

Well, I didn't get enough sleep so I'm going to bed early.
I'm trying to be positive and happy.
It's failing.
Ohboy. Here we go.

xoxo<3

And Baby When It's Love If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun

Bad night turned good.
At first I was all pissed because it was like Friday night alone with my mom.
But after we dropped Beave off at his school thing, she asked me what I wanted to do.
So joking I'm like "Go spend $100 on new clothes" and she was srsly like "Okay, where do you want to go?"
But then I reallly didn't want to go shopping. So I asked if we could go to Maggie McFlys (sp?) because the last time I went there was like 5 or 6 years ago, maybe more, and last Saturday we were talking about it at dance.
So we got there, and it was packed. So we left. And went to the parent teacher store in Oakville because my mom needed stuff for work tmrw.
So we went to Subway for dinner and I got my turkey, pickles, and carrots, and the chick put a super lot of pickles and carrots on it. yummm :]]]
Then it turns out there was a frozen yogurt place like right next door.
So I got frozen yogurt.
Best meal ever. Because I don't feel totally ridic eating it because most of it is low fat.

Dance til 12 tmrw morning. But I absolutely love that class so it's good.
Tonight was fun, but I want plans with friends for tmrw. So get on that, guys (:
Plus, I'm supposed to be typing out all our dances for this chick in my dance class. Which I have them handwritten but typing will take forever.
So, if one of you give me plans, I can procrastinate and do the dances later.

My dance teacher's guinea pig had babies. I get one if my mom agrees. Yay.

I need sleep. I could not fall asleep last night and I'm beat.
Text me and I'll love you.

xoxo<3

My Therapist Could Never Classify Conditions, All Right What's Wrong Already?

Seems like I haven't posted in FOREVER!
Well, cause I haven't..

Tonight and tomorrow was the ECA show that I had started practices for.
I feel terrible about leaving.
BUT.. since I've left I've had so much less anxiety, and I'm actually back to all A's like I was in middle school.
Plus, I'm going to more CSPA classes and enjoying them more.
But I still feel like less of a dancer because I'm not there.
I feel like now I'm just an average person, nothing special.
We drove by ECA the other day and I wanted to cry.
I've benefited so much from leaving, but still, I feel horrible about it.

On Sunday in VIPs, Nicole almost killed me.
Well not literally.
We have to do this thing where she holds my right leg and I have to put my hands down like a handstand and pull my left leg up into an attitude (if you know what that means). If she doesn't come close enough to me I'll fall onto my head/stomach, if she comes too close, I flip over onto my back. THANK GOD, we were using the mats. She dropped me at least 5 times before she finally got it. It's a really fun thing though. I can't wait for recital.

Three days of CAPT down. All the writing ones. I think I'm doing pretty decent. Science tmrw, ughhh! Science and math, not my strong point.

You guys have got to meet the bunny I'm bunny sitting! She's so cute. I love her to death. She hops around my floor and she chased my cat through the house the other day. Good, right? Considering my cat is obese.

Stupid Meliss is getting to go to Florida, but because Lindsey did it. She never goes to school, why does she deserve Florida?!
God, FML.
I go to school, get good grades, do extra curricular activities and I get nothing. I barely ever get new clothes, my hair done, my nails done. Like anything, even stuff I need. And she doesn't do like anything and gets Florida, a new camera, new clothes and her hair done.

It's just not fair.
But hey, life isn't fair.

If I wanted to be a failure I could get my therapist to tell the school I'm too afraid to go and I could only have two classes too. But the real world doesn't work like that. So, I'm going to actually do what I have to.

Fuck people who just stay home and hang out with friends because they are too lazy to go to school.