When It Rains It Pours and Opens Doors and Floods the Floors We Always Thought Would Keep Us Dry.

With my obsession with blogging, I really have no secrets anymore.
Pretty much all of them go into here, and if they don't, Lindsey knows them.
I don't know how I feel about that..

I mean, I blog to relieve stress and anger, or to relax, or just for something I can look back on in the future to be like "wow, I've changed."
But by doing that, I'm telling everyone everything about me.
Like stuff they can hold over my head, or laugh at, or judge me for.
I know that there is four people who have and might still read my blogs, them being: Lindsey, Tyler, Nick, and Carissa.
They know all my secrets and I'm happy that they found out most of them a while ago, and they were able to ask questions or talk to me about stuff.
But then there are people like Beka, who talk about making a blogger.
And she really doesn't know anything about me.
Should I be worried? I mean, I trust the people who know everything about me. They were the four I trusted the most, (well, remember I said were) and if people from school start reading my stuff, it'll get around. I'm sure of it.
Oh the joys of high school.
I want to be open in my blogs, and tell the truth.
But am I setting myself up for disaster? Will this all come back to bite me?
I've been doubting myself so much lately.
I really don't know how I feel about anything anymore.
And I kind of pretty much hate it.

Where's the Rubbers, Who's Got the Rubbers? I Noticed There's So Many of Them and There's Really Not That Many of Us.

Now here we go.
I have mainly one thing I want to talk about, cause it's been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm not going to blame it all on Rory, cause obvs, that'd be ridic.
But I am going to say that some of my relationship problems did come from him.
After all, I did wait til eighth grade to date, and he was my first boyfriend..
and not to be mean, but he wasn't the best boyfriend.
A few weeks after we started dating was the first time I had ever made a mark on my skin.
It makes me so worried in relationships now. Like I worry about everything.
And that makes me a horrible girlfriend.
I don't even like dating. I'd rather be single any day then be in a relationship.
I also have a problem with being too picky.
While watching Anastasia last night, my mom goes "If you think you're going to find a guy like Dimitri, think again."
And yeah, obviously, he's a fictional character. He's made to always be nice and cute in a cheesy kind of way. But still, is there anyone out there even a little like him? Maybe?
I know, I'm about as ridiculous as it gets.
But you all still love me, right?

Speaking of Rory the retard..
Today in history class he like pulls his sweatshirt half way up so you could see his skin.
He was claiming he had to do that to get a pencil out of his pocket. But srsly, the sweatshirt needs to be half way up his body?
So I'm like "Keep your clothes on."
And he's like, "Hahaaha. Nevermind, I'm not going to say it."
So I'm like "Ok"
and He goes "Haha, It's not like you haven't seen it."
Like. What. The. Fuck.
Just. Shut. Up.
S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y
I hate some people, like the one's I want to get hit by a bus.. but hey, that's a different story.

We had a sub in HTML class today. So I finished my work early then did all my work for keyboarding class. So seventh period, which I thought would be 43 minutes of boringness, actually turned out fun.
I spent the whole time applying to get information from colleges I like. Specifically Wayne State University, Naugatuck Valley Community College and Bridgewater State College.
I reallly want to get into Wayne State, but at the same time Bridgewater is closer and offers the same things. There's still a lot more colleges for me to look at though.

I'm going. No homework so maybe I'll watch House? or Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory. They're all waiting for me on DVR, ha.

xoxo<3

Does She Miss You, Existing Just to Kiss You, Like the Way I Do?

I know that last post failed at life.
I started writing it on Saturday then planned on finishing it but never did. And now I want to start a new one, so I posted the other with Saturday's date.

There's one thing I've been thinking about a lot, and I mean, I really have no reason to think about it, but yet, I do.
How could you date someone while you like someone else?
I mean, is it easy for people who aren't, me?
When I dated Justin last year for the week or whatever it was til I was like "I don't think it's working..", all I kept thinking of was 'What if I had told Kevin I liked him, and something had come from it?' or 'What if I ever meet this Nick kid and something comes from that?'
Like, I mean.. isn't it just hard? Like you can't put all your likingness (the ability to like? i don't know) into the person you're dating if you like someone else, right?
I don't know. I mean, well, I know what made me start to think of this, but I don't know why I thought of that in the first place. I mean, it's none of my business at all.

On Saturday night we went to the pet store. I found a little guinea pig, and she's adorable.
This is her ->
I instantly fell in love with her.
I tried to make a deal with my mom. I was like 'When the tax return thing comes in, can we get her if she's still here?" So my mom's all like "Maybe. You have to find out if Molly (our current gp) will hurt her or not." So, I did my research. And guinea pigs love friends and can be put together. I really want this guinea pig so badly.


Today was the first time in like a year that I wasn't all anxious about going to school. Yay!

Therapy starts again tonight. I'm actually going to start being nice and cooperative because I want to be done there no later than June.

I l-l-loveee postsecret. I like live for it. I love reading the things people write. I don't know why but I find it kind of calming. I think it might be one of the best things ever invented, well besides dance obviously.

xoxo<3

Don’t Know What to Say When All Your Words Don’t Make Everything Ok

Lets talk.
Cause I feel like talking.
About anything and everything.
So I will.
Want a conversation with myself? See above.

Ha, so apparently I strip myself down while I'm sleeping?
I mean, I've never really been a fan of sleeping naked or anything, but lately I've been just sleeping in a bra and underwear or a bra and pj pants.
On morning I woke up and my pants were laying on the bed next to me, so I'm like "Uhm, okay? This is weird.." and then two nights later I fell asleep in a big shirt and woke up with it next me be again.

On Thursday, we spent the day like driving around.
Before we went home we drove around Oxford.
I love driving there. So many places there are so pretty.

Today we went to Norwalk.
We went to see my dad's grave and put flowers there then we went to the beach.
But, I left my jacket at home and my aunt's thin material sweatshirt was not keeping me warm at all.

It Feels So Right Now, Hold Me Tight, Tell Me I'm The Only One.

Double post, I know.

I can't tell you how much I need a hug right now.
I would kill for someone to pull me close to them so I felt like they'd never let me go.
So I could feel loved and wanted. I want someone to love me unconditionally.
No matter how mentally screwed up I am, or how many break downs I have.
No matter how much I complain, or worry over stupid things.
Preferably a guy. But I know that's asking way too much.
I just need someone who I trust, who I can tell everything to.

On a totally different subject, but kind of the same,
I miss Tyler like crazy.
I miss being able to talk to him. He at least pretended to care, and he watched all of Anastasia with me, and didn't complain.
The fact that someone would do that for me?
I want him to be my friend again.
I want to talk to him again :(

5 days and counting since I last, you know.
I hate seeing the old scars on my legs.
(Like srsly old, they're from back like a month/month and a half ago. I stopped touching there for the sake of not getting caught in Florida since I was in a bathing suit and shorts.)
They bring me right back to the time it happened.
Back to me crying and writing out sorry / goodbye letters.
I am so thankful for the people who talked to me, and helped me get through those tough few weeks.
Without them, I most likely wouldn't be sitting here writing this right now.
Even though the people who I'm talking about probably don't read this..
Thank you guys, I love you all.

I'm going to get better soon. I sincerely think so.
I'm going to pull through this time.
I can do this.

I Am Waiting on a Mountain Top, For the Moment that the Sky Will Strike

I need to bitch.
Like srsly bad.
So I'm going to, deal.
(This is all the bitching I didn't want to keep private and isn't on postsecret)

Dance was so much easier when I didn't have friends from school there. My dance teacher like expects me to take care of them. And I don't want her to blame me for stuff they don't know / don't do. Tonight, my dance teacher was like, "Is Kayla still dancing?" and I'm like "Yeah." and she goes "Well, she hasn't been here and she didn't pay for costumes yet."
Okay, so seriously. What can I do about that?
Then my dance teacher (at the end of class) goes "Can you help your friend (melissa)?"
Because Melissa doesn't come to dance, ever. And she doesn't know anything. So I (who had thought Meliss had left, but appearntly she was still in the waiting room) told Miss Diana the truth and was like "Meliss never comes to school. She goes M.I.A for weeks at a time. I can invite her over my house to teach her but we tried that with the hip hop dance last year and she didn't do it." So I go out into the waiting room to leave and see her and I'm like 'oh fuck.' So yeah, I feel really bad for talking shit about her, esp. since she heard it all.

I came home. And I just sat. I checked my LJ friends page, myspace, facebook, and myyearbook, and then posted to postsecret. Then I sat and ate an apple, which was my dinner. Because have you ever been so like stressed that it just makes you sick to your stomach? None of what I'm writing is grammatically correct. Sorry.

I just want to scream.
I can't even explain it.
DON'T FUCKING PUT PRESSURE ON ME.
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.
That's not to everyone, but not to one person.
I don't even know.

I don't want to go to Beka's party.
Everyone's going to be high.
Fuck my life.

I don't want anyone in my life right now.
I just wish everyone would go away for a day or two.
Let me relax, get calmed down.
It's not going to happen.

In the mean time,
if you want to see my dance costumes?

possible extra jazz (jammin by black violin)
top: http://www.dancewearsolutions.com/dancewear/PT2983.aspx
bottoms: http://www.dancewearsolutions.com/dancewear/bottoms/colors/Silver/ML2989.aspx

jazz (let it rock by kevin rudolph and lil' wayne)
top: http://costumegallery.net/supplies.asp?ID=406
bottoms: (same as the extra jazz)

ballet (fragile by delta goodrem)
http://costumegallery.net/products.asp?ID=3201

VIPs (the across the universe song mash up thingy -before intermission)
http://costumegallery.net/products.asp?ID=3196
(^ in either green, orange, royal blue, or plum -we don't know which color we get yet. it will be varied throughout the dance team)

tap (on broadway from smokey joes cafe)
http://costumegallery.net/products.asp?ID=3075

VIPs (diamonds are a girls best friend -opening)
I don't have a link, cause it's not bought from a web site.
But it's fishnets, long gloves, and a black leotard. with some kind of sash around it? idk, the parents are making that part (:

I swear, dance is the only thing that keeps me sane.
Sad, ain't it?

Well Do You Find You Like to Fall in Love With People That You're Never Gonna Meet?

I barely ever post on here anymore.
I don't even feel like it now, but I feel like I have a duty to post.

The concert was amazing.
It was The Morning Light, This Providence, Sing It Loud, & Ludo.
I realllly liked Sing It Loud. And I liked The Morning Light too.
I took pictures with:
Pat, Nate & Ben from Sing It Loud
Bobby from The Morning Light
& David from This Providence.

I have Beka's sweet sixteen party on Friday.
I have to buy a dress. Ugh.
I'm not really looking forward to it.
I wanted to just be able to rest this vacation but now I have to go out and get her present and a dress tmrw then spend Friday getting everything together.
Not what I want to do.

I want to ask Nick what's wrong with him, why he's being so nice.
But I really don't want to piss him off.
It's just.. like two weeks ago he hated my guts, and now he's nice?
It's not just that he's being nice.. this is like the nicest he's been since we stopped hooking up.
Before, conversations with him were barely understandable. He would always answer with things like "Ok" or "Yes/No" and now we're actually talking.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying "I hate that he's being nice."
I like it, I just find it strange.
But that's like me to find things strange.

I feel like postsecreting.
Maybe I will.
I dunno.

I have to write and essay for English class. I really should do that.
Ohhh, we needed a poem for English and I picked:

Some People

Never find the right kind of love.
You know, the kind that steals

your breath away, like diving into snow
melt. The kind that jolts your heart,

sets it beating apace, an anxious
hiccupping of hummingbird wings.

The kind that makes every terrible
minute apart feel like hours. Days.

Some people flit from one possibility
to the next, never experiencing the incredible

connection of two people, rocked by destiny.
Never knowing what it means to love

someone else more than themselves.
More than life itself, or the promise

of something better, beyond this world.
More, even (forgive me!) than God.

Lucky me. I found the right kind
of love. With the wrong person.

-Tricks, Ellen Hopkins

I liked it. Besides, it was the only one of her poems I could find that a.) I understood b.) Didn't have someones name in it and c.) Didn't swear or talk about cutting/suicide.

Ugh, it's already Wednesday. I never have good vacations anymore. I always stress about going back to school. I've been sleeping so much lately, probably because I don't think about stressfull things when I'm sleeping. Waste of time though really.

Ew, it's snowing.

I want warm weather.

xoxo<3

I Am Damaged at Best, Like You've Already Figured Out.

Horrible, horrible day.
So I stressed about my English midterm the whole day, to the point where I almost kept crying.
At 2:00, I walked to the guidance office to take the midterm.

Daubney: "Get your articles out"
Me: "I don't have them."
Daubney: "Want to go get them?"
Me: "No, I lost them. I had them but now they're gone."
Daubney: "Want me to get you some to use?"
Me: "No."
Daubney: "Are you sure? This is your decision."
Me: "Yeah, they're not annotated anyway."

So she explains the midterm, "Read this story, write the four essays, then you can attempt this essay with out the articles."
And like the whole time I'm trying super hard not to cry cause I'm so freaking anxious.
As soon as she walked away I started crying.
I tried to read the story but I couldn't concentrate. I just kept crying.
I sat for an hour, trying to collect myself enough to do the work but I just couldn't.
The assistant principal came in to ask how I was doing and I told him "Not well." and then I gave him my blank test and told him to give it to Daubney.
So he was all (real nice and everything) "C'mon, you didn't do any? What's wrong?"
So like a dumbass, I start crying again and I'm like "I can't do it."
So he's like, "Is it too hard? Is it the teacher?"
Finally I'm like "I get really bad anxiety and I can't even concentrate."
He's like, "What if I could get it so you did the test in portions, like a paragraph a day?"
I'm like "No, I just want a zero so I can be done with it."
He goes, "Okay, I see. Do you want to call your mom to come get you? You can wait inside downstairs for her."
So like, my face is all red, you can tell I've been crying and all that fun stuff. When I go downstairs the janitor is vacuuming the front hall thing so I didn't want him to see me (and Rory is a janitor there and I was afraid he'd see me) and I went out the side door and sat in the cold for 25 minutes waiting for my mom.
I got in the car and told her I couldn't take the test and she's all "I'm worried about you. If you can't take a simple test think of all the other things you wont do." So like thanks mom, for making me feel more like a failure, and I go "Sorry I'm such a disappointment" and she tried to turn it around with "No, I mean in the scheme of things it's just a test but still, and no, you're not a disappointment, I'm just really worried about your mental state."
She makes me feel real great about myself.
Not.

Now that I'm done with my long pointless story that you probably didn't even read, I'll move on to other things.

Even though for the last two days I've been eating significantly less than I used to, I still feel like I'm eating way too much. I try to count the calories and keep it down to around 500-700 but I feel like I can't. Like no matter what I do, I always screw it up. And honestly, I don't know if I'm going over that. I'm pretty sure I am, with the having a snack, or just eating in general but I wish I could keep it down to that range. I haven't weighed myself recently. Infact, I'm scared to. But I'm pretty sure I want to lose somewhere around 60 pounds. My current goal is 20 pounds in 21 days. I want to lose a lot of weight. I want to be happy with how I look. I want to look good for recital. I can't screw this up. Not this time.

I danced my ass off tonight. After having that chick make comments about how I "don't practice" last week because I missed three weeks, I wanted to prove her wrong. Truth is, I didn't even practice this week (haha), but I came in and knew all the dances and did them good (well?). I got put in the front line for both jazz dances, fuckyes. I was so mad last year when I was in front for tap and ballet but not jazz. Jazz is my favorite. I got put in the back line for tap, but I'm thankful, cause I suck at tap :) I reallyreallyreally can't wait for recital. I'm going to make my mom tape my dances at recital so I can put them on here and show them to you. They're awesomeee.

I think this kid likes me. He asked me to come over for chinese tonight and I told him I had dance so he told me I should go to the movies with him and his friend tmrw and his friend was like "Yeah, go with him. I'll find a girl too." I don't know. I don't want to assume anything but he whispered something to his friend the other day and his friend goes "I said hi to her (me) in the hallway" and the kid goes "Yeah, but how will that help me?" and when he got my number he was excited. So, I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But I usually always get these things right. Always. But for one, he's older than me. And I don't really think my mom would go for that. But hey, I don't think I'm that into him anyway.

Okay, too much writing. I know.
I just had a lot to say.
But I need to go pretend to go to sleep so my mom doesn't get mad when she finds out I can't sleep because I'm anxious.
Wellll, if you're up, text me?

xoxo<3

Love, You are Foolish, You're Tired, Your Sleeplessness Makes You a Liar

I can't really assess my mood right now.
I feel shitty but Dave being all "how are you, beautiful" and joking around with me made me a little happy.

I shouldn't have read his blogs last night.
When people write in their blogs, it's always how they really feel.
So when I read all the names he called me and when he told me to "lose some fucking weight" it really like hit me.
And then everything else didn't make me feel much better.
I don't know. Maybe it's stupid.
But everything he talks about sounds a lot like he didn't really ever like me. It all sounds like he just dated me so he had someone to mess around with.
It's really stupid, I know. It just left me feeling so crappy last night.

Today in Math our sub was my dance teachers brother.
And then in HTML & Keyboarding my sub was my old dance teacher.
It made me laughhh.
I wish I could like talk to my old dance teacher, but she's all stuck up now -rolls eyes-

Welll, I really don't have anything to write.
So I guess I'm done.

xoxo<3

In The End I Want To Be Standing At The Beginning With You

I'm actually starting to learn this HTML stuff and I'm doing pretty good in class.
Keyboarding class stresses me to the point where I want to cry but hey, it's whatever.

New Orleans in June, if everything goes as planned.
Nothing fun though, just for the JumpBunch conference.
The last one we went to was 2006 in Orlando.
I guess the only fun part is that since my mom and aunt co-own JumpBunch, and when we do the conferences, my cousins come too, so my brother and I have people to hang out with.

I got valentine's for all my kids that I teach for the Saturday class and wrote them out tonight. Yay!

xoxo<3

I Wanna Kiss You, But If I Do Then I Might Miss You, Babe.

So, to add to my happiness, my therapist is pregnant.
AHHH! I love when people are pregnant. It makes me so happy.
She's due June 6, which is around the same time as my aunt.
She looks too little to be 5 months pregnant.

I went walking with Lindsey and Rissa today. Fun Stuff.

I had something else to write, but I forgots.. oh well.

My mom's trying to get me to look into applying at the Waterbury Arts Magnet School for my last two years of high school.
That means a uniform. Not so sure if I'd be ready for that. But I guess.. it must be okay, people do it all the time.

I'm so beat right now. I just want to sleep but I still have to analyze the rest of the Raven poem, do the biology that I don't understand about Punnett Squares or whatever and I want to watch House (even though I DVR'd it and can easily watch it tmrw.)

Well, God knows what I had planned to say in here. I remembered it like 2 hours ago but now I don't remember at all. That's so like me.

xoxo<3

Blame it on the Goose, Got You Feeling Loose.

I'm in such a good mood.
I've like been so happy.
Except for the end of Keyboarding class today. Cause the work is graded really harsh so I'm probably going to fail.
Eh, whatever.

I've been meaning to post since Saturday, but my weekend was super busy.

On Saturday I had dance, then my cousin picked me up and and went to her house and made cookies. Then we decorated them. We decided to bring some up to my grandfather so we picked up pizza (well, pizza for Alec and poppy, I got chicken parm and Kim got a cal zone) and we spent the night hanging out.
Yesterday, I had dance 8-10:30 like usual. But I'm starting to really like it. The main teacher seems to like me so I'm in front a lot. Yay. And then I went out til like 4, slept from 5-7 and then had dinner, watched Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory, showered and went to sleep.

Ahhh, speaking of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory..
I'm soo happy it's on. It seemed really short last night but I guess that's cause I'm used to watching hour long shows. But whatever, cause Rob Dyrdek is hoottttt. And I love him. Hahah.

I'm really super excited for recital this year. I love our two jazz dances. And I'm starting to like Vips. I wish I could spend all my time at CSPA, it would make my life 100% perfect. But well, since school is a requirement, I'll just keep writing out my dances during my classes at school. :P

I'm so thrilled with everything right now. I don't know like what came over me, but I'm just in a generally good mood. It's been almost four days since I last.. ehhh... you know. I'd like to think that I've finally kicked the habit, hopefullly.

EDIT:
I started HTML class today.
I can handle myspace coding just fine, like when I just have to rearrange it and stuff.
But having to create my own codes has proved to be a challenge.
Why must computers be so complex?

xoxo<3

Put Me in the Hospital for Nerves, And Then They had to Commit Me, You Told Them All I Was Crazy

I'm talking to you occasionally; be thankful.
You think you're God's gift to earth or something?
Fucking Ridiculous. Could you just leave me alone?
You make it sound like I'm such a nuisance to your life.
I can't even stand you anymore.

I've lost like everyone that I ever cared about.
Nick & Tyler got girlfriends. (Guys always stop talking to people when they get girlfriends.)
Ben stopped talking to me ever since I left ECA.
Carrie won't talk to me because I left ECA.
All the ECA kids (with the exception of Pam) won't talk to me since I left ECA.
My mom keeps telling me that I'm screwed up and there is stuff mentally wrong with me. Oh yeah, and that I'm going to "crash and burn" because I won't be able to handle life.

Thanks guys, thanks to all of you.

My school counselor messed up my schedule today. I was stuck once again in study hall period 6 because she put me in Web Design 2 and I haven't taken Web 1 yet. Now, I'm stuck in two computer classes back to back with the same teacher. Fml.

I have a killer headache.
I'm going to do miserable in dance tonight.
I'm failing at everything.
And this week seems longer than ever.
Ya know what? I'm done giving life the benefit of the doubt.
Just kill me.

Fuck It, Let's All Have Fun Let's Mingle. Slap a Bitch and Smack a Ho

Rory:
No, it's not funny when you pretend to grab my boobs, or pretend jack off. No one wants to see it. No one wants to hear your voice. I feel like you're always judging me and making stupid fucking references to past stuff. And I'm so sick and tired of it. And you know I'm on birth control? How? You asked Lindsey if I was taking my meds on vaca. It's none of your fucking business. Today you goes "Go talk to your doctor and he can be like 'Tell me whats wrong.' " No, you have no right to talk about my therapy. You don't even know what it is.

I lied. I know, I'm a horrible person. I don't like Mark. I thought it over, and I was just happy that night because I felt wanted. He's been texting me CONSTANTLY and he started sending me pictures of himself last night. So I sent him a picture of my grandpa's dog(: and he's all "Aww he's cute. Did you like the pictures of me?" I'm like "yeah.. but I'm going to bed now, good night." And then I stayed up another 45 minutes to see Shot at Love. I want him to leave me alone. He made jokes like "Oh, I'm your only stalker" and like, apparently, although he's not my only, he's deff becoming one.

My anxiety doctor decided that I "must not be thinking okay because I quit something I love (ECA)" I love that since I refuse to take my Abilify, it means I should be in I.O.P because it means I'm insane or some bullshit.

I can't stand this on again off again friendship. It's like you only talk to me when you need / want something. Sorry, but that's not how friendship works. So be a friend, or leave. Kthanks.

I hate when people make a big deal about me leaving ECA or keep asking why. I already feel guilty enough about it. Just stfu people.

I never feel completely comfortable around anyone. Only two people so far in my life; my grandpa and some kid. Oh and slowly some girls I dance with. I hate not being able to have conversations with people. I'm so socially awkward.

I'm reading the book Impulse. It's amazing. I'm going to read more.
I'll write more tmrw, if I have anything interesting to say.
Sorry that this was all bitching people out. And they're all guys (go figure ;])
Night.

xoxo<3

Tell Me Where Our Time Went, and If It Was Time Well Spent. Just Don't Let Me Fall Asleep, Feeling Empty Again.

That's my picture where I feel like I look thin. You can't see my belly button ring though :( This was taken before we got in the bubble filled jacuzzi tub :DD

I've had one of the best nights in a long time, (except for the bruise on my knee, but that's from dance, not tonight) but yet I want to cry.

I spent the night at Mark's house with him and his friends.It's like, Mark still likes me, obvs. And he kept flirting with me and I kind of think I like him. I spent like half the night against him or with his arm around me. And he kissed my forehead, which is something I find utterly adorable. But I'm like too afraid to ever kiss him. Why? Cause he has braces. I've never had braces and I've never had to kiss anyone with them before. Like what if its really hard or I fuck it up? Askldjsajslala. He just asked "if I try to kiss you.. Would you let me?" I feel so ridic for letting such a little stupid thing scare me this much. I answered him with "yeah." He's going to be in Seussical and he wants me to go see it. What is with guys and wanting me to see them in Seussical? Haha. But eh, I probs won't go see it because I feel guilty that I never went to see Nick in it. Haha, tonight Mark goes "I'm the only theatre guy you need!" And I was like "Well, I'm not that close with the other one anymore so I guess you're right." Other stuff though, have you ever left like the opposite sex's house and like you get that feeling that you wish you went farther with them or wish you were still with them (like making out with them, not chilling)? I felt that way after I left Mark's tonight. It was like I wished I had kissed him. But like, I'm too afraid. Blahhhhhh! I feel bad though, I don't think I'd ever see myself dating him. I'd just want to hook up, but I don't want to hurt him.

Dance recital is in nine weeks. Damnnn. I'm not ready for it at all. I hope like no one I know comes, not even family. One of the VIPs dances is allll on your knees. So now my left knee has a bruise that hurts like a mother fuckkkerrr.

I am so. fucking. scared. about school tmrw. I'm going to be in an anxiety attack probably by second period. Fuck my lifee. I'm beat, but I'm too scared to sleep because I know that when I sleep it feels like the day comes faster. I was up with anxiety last night too about dance. Only one thing seems to lessen it but I don't want to resort to that again.