My Friend's Got a Girlfriend and He Hates That Bitch. He Tells Me Everyday.

I'm going to post a happy blog.
Cause I'm like srsly happy right now.. I think.

(Imma talk about my boobs for a minute.. So guys feel free to skip over this part)
The bra I am wearing right now is amazing. Besides the fact that its a sick shade of blue, its friggenn 36 D!! Wooo. I'm happy. Haha.
But my boobs also have a funny tan line from my bathing suit. Ehh. All is well. Atleast part of me is tan.

I was all stressed out tonight because I haven't been to VIPs in three weeks (two it was cancelled cause of snow and last week I was in Florida.) And I have this part where there's a circle of six girls and at one part I'm in the front of it and I have to do a turn all by myself. So tonight I'm like 'holy fuck, I don't remember the part' and I had figured I had never written it down in my dance binder. But I go through my dance binder tonight and it was in there. I was so happy. I went over it a few times and I remembered it. Now I just have to learn all the changes they did to the "oh darlin" dance tmrw. But whatevss.

Mark is having a Super Bowl party (kind of not really because it's just a party on the day of the super bowl, we're not watching it or anything) and I don't know if I should go. Part of me wants to but I won't know anyone there except for Mark unless Keyshon goes. But at the same time I haven't seen Mark in forverrrrr and I want to see him.

I'm a sadist.
Nuff said.

Hahahahah. Actually that's not a time to use "Nuff said". I learned what that word meant today from someone's postsecret. It's intenseee. So imma be onee (: haha.

I'm also a lesbian.
Except no, not at all.
I like penis.
Ahaha, wtf am I saying?

Okay, do people like srsly use the word "jam" anymore, like as in "this is my jamm!" Haha. Cause well I do. And my jams currently are "Right Now Na Na Na" and "I'm Yours." Fuck, I don't even know if that's the right name for the first one. Haha. I just know that that song excites me and I like to rock out to it.

I have an explicit language problem tonight. Sorry, kind of.

My computer got taken to be fixed today. Woooo! My computers gay.

I'm beat and I have dance from 8-10:30 tmrw morning so I'm going to sleeeep. Night guyss.

EDITTT
I forgot to telll you guys.
My aunt's having a baby boy.
I wish it was a girl.
But no one it the family has had two boys yet so it'll be different.
Yay babies!

xoxo<3

Don't Save Me, I'm Not The One You Should Be Looking Out For

It's crazy how happy I can get from assisting the little kids at dance. They are the sweetest kids, and they look up to you and see you as a good person. They don't know your faults and they don't judge for no reason. They love to share accomplishments and stories with you. For example, Mia was in the parking lot when I was getting out of the car and she goes "Hi Miss Nichole!" And I'm like "Hi Mia" and she's like "I got new boots!!" And the look on her face was pure excitement. It was amazing. I've taught her for 3 years now and she's grown up so much. And then there's Amanda who's new this year, and every week she has a new story about her brother or her dog and Francesca who does all the crazy gymnastics moves. It's like you grow to become one of their best friends. And then there's my Tuesday class, who I've only been with for a year, with the exception of three of them who I had my first year. I've bonded with two girls (in addition to the three I already knew) in that class and they're the two troublemakers. Emily NEVER listens in class so I always have to be like "Em, listen to Miss Caryn" but for some reason she still loves me. I just found out she's moving to Maryland over the summer :( I'm going to miss her lots.
I just really don't know what I want to do anymore. I mean, I'd love to be a dance teacher, but I'm so not into taking classes anymore. I feel like there's so much pressure in class to make sure you do everything right because people will be watching and they will judge. I feel like nothing I do in my classes is ever good enough. I was talking to my mom and I was like "I don't know. My singing voice has gotten bad and so has my dancing." And she's like "No. Well, maybe it's time for you to find something else to do." And then last night we were watching America's Best Dance Crew and my mom goes "That girl is too heavy to be a dancer" and the girl was like frigging thinner than me so I go "No." And my moms like "You don't think so? I mean she's too big to shake like that." So I just glared at her. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a dancer. Blahhhh. I don't know what to do.

I want to be alone. Like I wish I could run away to the middle of nowhere. And stay there for a while. I'm not really a fan of talking to people lately (unless they give hugs!) I don't trust anyone. I feel like they're all trying to trick me or lie to me. Maybe I'm paranoid? But I don't think so.

I'm watching Snapped (it's on oxygen and it's amazing, so go watch it!) so I'm going to go. My posts are pointless anyway. Why are you reading them?

xoxo<3

Take A Shot, Love Me Now, Love Me Not.

I quit ECA.
I want to quit CSPA.
I'll never be a dancer, why waste my time?
I'm not good enough, and I'll never be.

I really can't make up my mind.
A big part of me despises talking to you. I have no desire to and I feel like I'm bothering you.
Another part of me wished on every 11:11 I saw that we would talk.
What do I really, truly want?
I don't know.
And why do you initiate ONE conversation and nothing else?
Blah. Then I don't know if you just don't want us to talk or what.
Blahblahblahblahblah. Why did we ever start talking? You confuse the shit out of me.

I want OUT of therapy.
It's wasting my time.
And doing absolutely NOTHING.
I want to go back to the summer. I want to redo everything. Had I done it right, I would have been out of therapy in December.

I'm sore and I'm exhausted from crying.
I think I have an addiction to something. (It's not drugs, don't get all jsjdfksdlkjks.)
It can't kill me (well technically I guess it could, if I were using it to) or give me like brain damage or anything.
So I mean, it's not that bad, right?

I'm done trying in school. I'm just going to let myself fail.
I don't care about getting into college. I probably won't even go.

I want to be one of those girls that everyone's like "oh, she's so pretty." But I'll never be. I hate looking in the mirror (unless it's to do my eyebrows, OCD much?) because I always think about how much I need to change about myself.

I don't ever want to date again. I'm not a good girlfriend. I have too many problems. I'm horrible person. Whatever. Nobody wants me anyway. (Well.. No one that I would do anything about.. Oh wait, that's pretty much everyone.)

Fuckmylife.

xoxo<3

I Tried To Be Chill But You're So Hot That I Melted

I'm home.

My computer crashed. I wanted to put a picture from vacation in this blog cause it's me and linds in our bathing suits and I look thin for once. But I can't do that without a computer. Arrgh.

I beat Lindsey in pool. Now, I keep saying it's thanks to playing with Nick. But that sounds bad. So I have to fix it and "it's thanks to playing POOL with Nick." el oh el.

Florida was fun. I don't know what else to say about that.

Ohyeah. I met the disney princesses :DD We were waiting in line and the little kids had more paitience than me.

And my gerbil died while I was gone. But they did this thing where they put his foot prints in clay so we have that.

Blahdablahdablahdablah.

I haven't been to ECA in like 2 weeks. I'm leaving. And because I'm leaving I feel like a failure.

I'm also failing Bio. I'm not cut out for school. I'm so anxious about going back tmrw. I don't enjoy days off bc I stress the whole time.

I haven't done "anything" (figure out what that is guys, cause I don't want to say it on here) in a week and a half? And I want to. But I know I shouldn't. And that stresses me more.

I fail at everything. Fuck my life.

I should be happy.
Mark likes me. But I don't know if I like him like that. Blah. More stress? Maybe.

Kay. I'm going to watch Jimmy Neutron cause I feel like being a little kid today. Bye.

xoxo<3

Take Your Memories, I Don't Need Them

I'm in Florida.
Yay for Mobile posting.

The plane ride was decent. Long but decent.
I had Sonic for the first time.
I hung out in the pool and hot tub with Linds.
I layed in the sun with the objective of being tan for Beka's party. (It worked a little)
Now I'm laying on my bed and Lindsey is painting her toe nails. Well she just decided not to.
We're going to downtown disney tonight. I've been, she hasn't.
We go to Disney World on Monday for her birthday. (Same with the she's never gone)
I srsly want to count the orange trees. I haven't seen any yet though so maybe there aren't millions here..
My toes are cold and she keeps taking pictures of me so I'm gunna go.
Text me!(:

xoxo<3

Please Save This For Me, I'll Come Back For You Love, I Promise To

I leave for Florida with Lindsey tmrw morning. I'm super excited, happiest I've been in a while. But I'm also scared. First plane ride tmrw morning. Blahh, I'm the freak who worries about plane crashes. If you want to get in touch with me, text the cellular. I'll be home by Tuesday night(:

Grandma's funeral was as good as a funeral could be. I got to see my aunts from Florida and I haven't seen them in forever. Devon (2 year old cousin) came in today and went "Memere with the angels?" And my grandpa was like "Yes she is." Blah, it's sad.

The fact that Rory bought the same sweatshirt in Washington DC that I got/stole from Nick kind of pissed me off. It's not like I still wear it so I'm not worried about matching him or anything but he knew that it's the same one. He had to of known.

Whatevs, I got to go to Lindsey's house so we can go to FLORIDA!!

Text us<333333

I've Got Some Imperfections, But How Could You Collect Them All and Throw Them in My Face

This is a bitch and complain post. If you don't want to read it, don't. No one is making you. I just need to do this right now, to maybe uh.. brighten my mood? If that's possible.

1. I can't fucking stand when my boobs fall out of every shirt I wear. I mean, some occasions, it's fine. But when I'm trying to find clothes for a funeral and my boobs make it impossible, I get pissed.
2. I hate when you say the word "love" because it reminds me of "I love you, No I don't, it's too early. I love you, No I don't, it's too early."
3. Sometimes I think the bad of being on birth control outweighs the good. I hate that it made me gain weight.
4. Midterms are a waste of my life. And I hate that I'm stuck with the decision to go in and fail them or take them after Florida.
5. I want my grandma back.
6. I wish I had spent more time with her.
7. When my grandpa cries, it makes me cry.
8. I love that I have people coming to the wake for support but at the same time I don't know if I want them all seeing me crying.
9. I feel like crying makes me extremely vulnerable and I can't deal with it.
10. When I saw someone that looked like you in the mall tonight with their girlfriend, my heart stopped even though I knew it wasn't you. Not going to lie.
11. I really really really really want a hug.
12. My grandpa's hugs are the best. Maybe because he's the closest thing I've had to a father figure in my life.
13. I can't stand it when people are afraid to ask about death. I'm fine with it, honestly. If you have a question about my dad or grandma just ask. Don't try to ask my friends or get them to ask for you.
14. I hate when people know the real me. And I don't let most people. So therapy doesn't and never will work for me. She doesn't know anything about me.
15. I wish there was some way to make my two year old cousin understand what happened to Memere (what we called our grandma, gotta love my french side of the family.)
    
16. I don't remember my dad's funeral at all. I remember the wake and being bored and having my mom's friend take me to Toys R Us. She bought me an Anastasia princess thing with a dress and tiara. That was the last movie I saw in theaters with my dad and we had both gotten all dressed up because he called it our litte date. Haha, obsession.
17. Most of me has gotten over my dad's death. But I wish he was still here.
18. I'm scared to drink or do drugs, because I don't want to end up like him.
19. I think Nick knows more about me through pointless rants (if he ever listened..) than I even intented him to.
20. I'm not as excited about Florida as I was.
21. I'm afraid of being alone. It really scares me lately.
22. I hate when people's friends answer things about them. Especially if I don't know the friend that's talking. Fuck postsecret. dhasfhdlffssasdlkf;
23. If I could sleep forever I would.
24. I feel like by quitting ECA I'm throwing away my whole future. But I can't deal with this schedule anymore. I can't even deal with Seymour High. Stress and anxiety are taking over my life.
25. I wish I was born a normal person.
26. I can't stand being so overweight. I fail at all my diets.
27. I wish my mom would come home from work. I feel so much more comfortable when she's home.
    

You're Awful, I Love You

I've been with my family more in the past three days than I ever have.
But, at times like this when I'm alone, it makes me feel lonelier than ever.

I had a dream last night that I was married to this guy (and had been) and I was soo in love with him. Him and I were at home and someone came in and shot him to death right in front of me. So either, I'm watching snapped too much or this whole death thing is invading my mind too much. Ehh, it sucks. Let's pray this dream wasn't foreshadowing.

A lot of people have been asking about when and where my grandma's wake is. And it was cool and fine until my ex-bestfriend asked.. Like I know she's trying to be nice and all, and she did know my grandmother, but honestly, we don't talk. It would make my grandma happy though. She loved this girl and always asked how she was doing.

There's no way I'm going to pass midterms. I can't even get my mind to focus with everything happening. There's no way I'll be able to make myself sit still long enough to study. And then my first day of midterms I go in knowing that in like 10 hours I have to go to my grandmothers wake. Fucking sucks.

My cousin and her boyfriend of like 3 years broke up. It kind of killed me to hear that. They were so cute together. Reason # 215121215 why I don't believe in forever.

Eh, I'm a depressing person today, so I'm done writing.

P.S- It'd be nice if you'd want to talk to me like you used to. If you wanted to, you'd contact me, and you haven't. I miss how things used to be.

xoxo<3

Post Number Thiry-Three

I don't know, I wanted to post this. The funeral home website just put it up and I wanted to make sure I have it saved. R.I.P<3333

CLAUDETTE G. (HAMELIN) ZAPATKA

OAKVILLE- Claudette G. (Hamelin) Zapatka age 65, the beloved wife of Ronald Zapatka of Oakville, formerly of Naugatuck passed away peacefully January 16 after a long illness.

Claudette was born in 1943 in Waterbury, a daughter of Madeleine (LaPerriere) Hamelin and the late Alcide Hamelin and lived in Naugatuck for many years before moving to Oakville in 1982. She was a graduate of Saint Anne’s Grammar School and Waterbury Catholic High School. Prior to her retirement in 2003, she worked at Health Complex in Watertown. Claudette also worked at Blue Cross Blue Shield of North Haven, and was a teller and safe deposit supervisor at the former Bank Boston and Colonial Bank and Trust. She was a communicant of Saint Mary Magdalen Church. In past years, Claudette was also a volunteer with Hospice and at Lifeline. Her hobbies included traveling and reading, but her greatest joy came from spending time with her five grandchildren.

Besides her husband of 46 years of Oakville and mother of Waterbury, she leaves her children and grandchildren Deborah Ungvary, wife of the late Stephen Ungvary of Seymour and her children Nichole and Stephen, Donna Hall and her husband Don of Naugatuck and their children Kimberley and Alec, Ronald J. Zapatka and his wife Sarah of Oakville and their son Devon; two sisters Vivien Hamelin of West Palm Beach, FL, Denise Alden of Prospect, two brothers in law Frank Zapatka and his wife Jane, Eugene Zapatka and his wife Mary, an uncle Roger Hamelin of North Carolina, an aunt Margaret Brodeur of Canada, a niece and a nephew.

Funeral Wednesday January 21 at 9 a.m. at Saint Mary Magdalen Church. Friends and family are asked to meet directly at church. Burial will follow in Mount Olivet Cemetery in Watertown. Friends may call at the O’Neill Funeral Home, 742 Main Street Oakville on Tuesday from 7 to 9 p.m. Memorial contributions may be made to the American Kidney Foundation, 6110 Executive Blvd., Ste. 1010, Rockville, MD 20852 or Saint Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital, P.O. Box 50 Memphis TN 38101-9929. For more information, to light a memorial candle or to send an online condolence kindly visit www.oneillfuneralhome.com.

Post Number Thirty-Two

Since my grandmother died I've felt so lonely. I just want to be with someone.
I've tried to fill that loneliness with flirting. And that's a horrible thing to do.
I took it too far last night with my texts. You don't say things like that to people who aren't single. You just don't. I'm sorry.
I want to run away. I don't want to be me or be here right now.
When everything started look better, this happens.
I haven't done anything the therapist would need to know about (if you get what I'm saying) since the morning before Nick & I's last big fight. And I want to again, but I keep telling myself not to. I'm scared I'm going to =/
I want my grandma back. I want to hug her.
There's a wake Tuesday night from 7-9. The funeral is on Wednesday.
I don't want to go.

When I'm Gone Just Carry On. Don't Mourn, Rejoice.

At 5:30 this morning we got the call that my grandmother wasn't breathing.
My grandfather woke up and when he went to check on her she had no pulse. The paramedics tried to get her to breathe again but they couldn't.
I mean, I can't believe she's really gone.

My mom slept over my grandfathers house tonight so that he wasn't alone and I stayed home with my brother.

My grandfather can't drive, and can't live alone. My great grandmother throws away her effing pills unless my grandma or her sister is there to make sure she takes them. My mom thinks we'll lose them both within the next year.

My grandmother died January 16, 2008. Her grandmother who she was really close to died January 16, 1971. Last time my grandma was in the hospital, she asked why we had brought her there, and saved her life. She told us she had seen her grandmother who had told her to come to heaven. My mom and aunt feel like the death of the same date means something good.

At 5:00 this morning, my uncle's hotel phone rang and when he answered it, there was just static. At 5:00 I randomly woke up. My grandpa found my grandma at around 5:10, and they think she had just died. Freaky.

Rory was going to come to the service. But it's planned for Wednesday and he'll be on the inauguaration trip. Wednesday's my gandmother's birthday. It's also during my midterms. And the day for midterm make up is the day I'm leaving for Florida.

I'm sorry for my bitchiness the last week. It's been a real rough week and I know that doesn't make up for anything I've said or done, but still, sorry.

I'm tired of writing. Blackberry keyboards hurt my hands after a while. Well, bye for now.


xoxo<3

Pictures of You, Pictures of Me, Remind Us All of What We Used To Be.

You've never honestly seen me be a bitch.
Infact, I've never in my life been this much of a bitch.
But throughout the last 3 years I've learned that only the bitchy people survive and make it through life. So I'm stepping up and becoming like them.
The fact that this is getting to you, like you got to me, makes me one of the happiest people alive.
I don't care if we never talk again. I'm pissed.
I was betrayed by the person I fucking trusted today, and that just set me off.
I'm don't care if I ever talk to that person again either.
I'm done with you waste of life people.
And I've never been happier.

xoxo<33

Heart Don't Fail Me Now, Courage Don't Desert Me, Don't Turn Back Now That We're Here.

I hate being sick.
Fevers suck.
I watched Anastasia today.

I talked to Nick.
I love the kind of conversation we had.
We've never had serious conversation before without a fight.
Whatever, it's the only one we'll ever have.
Oh, and what happened to him "not putting up with cutters" ?
I guess I'm the only person he can't put up with.
Two people he knows cut.
YAY POSTSECRET,

fuckmylife.

I Can't Explain, I Need To Be Alone.

I woke up this morning with a killer headache and nausea.
I don't know if it was because of lack of sleep or I have some bug.
After 4 more hours of sleep it's mostly just the headache now.

I feel generally better after talking to Tyler last night.
He was actually able to make me sincerely laugh.
I dunno though, things get worse at night, so I'll have to wait and see.
At least I know he's there if I truly need him.

I hate when people text and they're like "Where are you?"
Cause I feel guilty saying "I'm sick."
Even thought I haven't missed a day since October.
I just, I don't know, feel bad?

I know I can't break down now.
I have so much coming up.
Florida, Midterms, etc.
And that makes everything harder.
Cause it's not like I choose to go into depression.
I don't say "I feel like breaking down today."
It just happens. And I can feel it starting.
I don't want to go to dance, I don't want to go to ECA.
I can deal with school, but for how long?
And when I realize how much I have to worry about, it gets me back to everything I talk to Tyler about.
And then I feel oh so guilty for bother Ty with my problems.
But he always helps, and he knows how to.
And he knows a lot about one of my biggest problems right now, because that's his friend.
And Tyler, if you're reading this? And you don't want me bothering you with my issues?
Tell me man, I'll understand completely.

I guess I'm done for now. I want to go lay back down.
Uggggggggghhhhhhhh.

xoxo<3

So Can You Tell Me If I'm Crazy Or Confused?

I'm on the ECA bus, so I have a good and boring 45 minute ride. I figured I could take the time to blog, maybe it'll cheer me up?

I hate crying over Nick.
I hate when I think about the past, and I wish I could talk to him and I start bawling my eyes out.
It makes me realize he won this. He likes making people breakdown and that's exactly what I'm doing.
I hate losing.

I was talking to Carl the other night and he's like "we should hang out sometime." And yeah that'd be fun but it puts Carl at the risk of being hated by Nick like last time, and it makes Nick hate me even more. And I don't know if I should risk that :/

There's like no one on our bus today. It's weird. I miss Tyler being here. I miss talking to him. I'm not a fan of how our bus has changed. I miss freshmen year.

I have my therapist tonight. I want to listen to Tyler and tell her everything. But I'm way too scared. I don't know what they'll do. And I don't think I want to find out.

My friends and I went to see Bride Wars last night. It was better than the last movie I saw in theatres (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist) but it wasn't amazing.

We'll, I want to sleep and we just went by the resvoir (sp?!) So I want a long sleeep time.

Hopefully elective share day isn't cancelled becuase of last wednesdays snow :/

xoxo<3

I Love You, I Hate You, I Can't Live Without You.

I think I'm officially depressed.
I can't stand the thought of going on.
I don't want to see friends, I don't want to go to school.
I just want to lay in bed with my ipod.
There's no way to get help without my mom knowing.
Fuck.

Just Fall in Love Don't Be Ashamed, Love it When You Scream My Name.

So I'm in a really good mood.
I talked on the phone with Carl for an hour and forty-eight minutes.
Which is long for me. The last time I was on the phone that long was probably over the summer.
But I don't know. Like for some reason, I'm okay with being on the phone with him.
We have silences but they aren't awkward.
He also helped me decide that I'm probably taking French as my language next year.
We finally hung up because I was falling asleep.
And I'm going to bed in like 10 minutes, but I came out here to check the computer before I did.

I had a really weird dream last night.
Like in it this guy who's like 21 or 22 or something came over (and I haven't seen him in like 2 years so I don't know why I dreamt about him) and we were making out. And then I was like "Lets have sex" so we went into my room but then my mom came home so we couldn't. And he like tried to hide in my room til later but my mom found him. And then I woke up. So weird.

My dance teacher said I might be able to help choreograph the dances this year. I helped Miss Jess choreograph the jazz dance last year and now Miss Caryn said I might be able to help. YAY!

I've like officially destroyed my knees.
I have my knee brace and ace bandage on like 24/7 to avoid pain.
Knee replacement in the future? I think so.

Florida is sooooo close<3333

I had more to say, but I'm like shocked at how good of a mood I'm in, so I can't exactly think.
This is like the best mood I've been in in like two weeks.
For once Nick doesn't get the satisfaction of bringing me down. And I have a feeling he's not going to anymore.
Maybe tonight's a one time thing..
Or maybe I'm finally happy?

xoxo<3

I Knew This Was a Dream, It Was Too Good to Be True. Coincidences Were a Bit Much Too.

I didn't blog yesterday.
That's like a record for me, lol.

So lets start of with the typical Rory stuff.
He wrote "I <3 Nick"
And I gave him a death stare as it slowly killed another part of me.
I mean, don't get me wrong. It didn't kill me because I wish that was true or anything.
I just wish we could start over. Like forget the past, anything we've done.
And just be friends, with no one even considering hooking up or anything like that.
But it's never going to happen.

Even though I feel like I'm still eating too much, my diet is apparently working.
I weighed my self and it says I lost like 2 pounds.
It's a start, I guess. I wish I could lose like 30 in a week. Haha.

I should be showering right now.
I have to teach dance at 10:30.
Well, and then clean when I get home probably.
The way it works in my house?
Nichole straightens up the living room, her room, and the bathroom.
Mom does the kitchen and sometimes Stephen's room.
Stephen plays video games.
Ridiculous.

When I woke up this morning I had an email that dance is canceled for tomorrow.
So I can sleeeeeeep in. YES.

Have you ever felt so extremely lonely that it feels there's like a rock in your chest. Like you are going to explode, but you can't and you can't cry to get it out either.
And It just feels like you need to get away from yourself.
I hate the past and I hate thinking about the past. Not just Nick, everything.
It gives me that crazy feeling inside, like every night.

Well, I have to go get ready.
Uhm, text me today ?

xoxo<3

It's Gonna Take a Miracle to Bring Me Back. And You're The One to Blame.

Today was a little bit better than yesterday. For those who read my LJ and know what I'm talking about.
I swear I must be bipolar though.
On the way to ECA I was in such a depressed mood and thinking about stuff I posted in LJ.
But after I got to ECA I was fine and I was fine for the whole ride home.
At like 5:45 I got really depressed again.
But I was fine again by like 6:15.
It's so weird. And the two moods are so different.

Speaking of ECA.. it might be closing.
I guess like none of the teachers are certified to teach and now they need to be.
And this sucks because I love CSPA to death but in reality, ECA is going to get me so much farther in life.
I guess we just have to wait and see.

I wrote out all my CSPA and ECA dances tonight.
It made me proud of myself.

I'm stressing so much about my weight lately.
One of the million meds I started like 4 months ago made me gain weight and ever since then I've been stressing.
My diet today went good, I guess.
I mean, I ate the right amount for a person on a diet (a cup of cereal for lunch & breakfast, two special k bars, a salad and a small dinner) but I still feel like I ate way too much.
And that leads me to all my other problems =/

Today in History we were working in groups of 4 or 5 and of course Rory was in mine.
So I had a pink cami on under a white shirt and you could see the strap of the cami and in front of everyone Rory goes "I remember that bra." So Christina goes "Woahhhh" and I was like "That's not my bra, its my shirt" and when I looked down you could see my bra strap too. So I'm like all embarressed because of what Rory said and he just sat there and laughed.

My last point of the night is for someone in particular.
Carissa,
I don't know if I can be friends with someone I never see. You're never in school so I don't see you there and I'm always busy at other times. I mean honestly, it bugs the shit out of me that you skip school to hang out with your friends. I felt I needed to be open with this because I feel bad talking shit being like "Why the fuck doesn't she come to school? Everyone else has to." but that's honestly how I feel. You say it's depression but I've been through that and when you're depressed you don't want to go out with friends and have fun. I went through it last year. Depression made me not want to dance or hang out with my friends. So believing that you can't come to school because you're depressed is something I have a hard time with. And saying that you can't come back because it scares you that you've missed so much pisses me off because when I was out for the two weeks last year I had to go back and face everything I missed. If you're that scared the school does work with you to get you back in easily. So whatevs. You can bitch me out for this if you want, or go tell people I'm a horrible person, but I just wanted to be honest.


xoxo<3

You Made Me Such An Asshole. I Wish We Never Met.

There's this one person, who I should let write my blogs for me.
He described me perfectly (see previous blog) and now he described how I feel "It sucks that I'm in love with such a person that can be so horrible."
Maybe we're all just horrible people.
I mean if she is, he is, and I am.. who else wants to admit to it?

I can't sleep.
I hate school.
I'm stressing about my weight again.
And I'm always anxious.

I miss like 4 people, and I'm seeing most of them soon.

I'm not doing my extra credit for Science. It's too much work.
I'm not drawing out all the stupid steps of mitosis, again.

I'm going to fail midterms.
But thank the Lord. All I have is classes Tmrw, Friday, Monday, Tuesday. Then Midterms Wednesday & Thursday. Then Friday through Tuesday off and school Wednesday & Thursday then Florida til Tuesday.
I can't believe Florida is so close.

My stupid boobs are like growing.
I've been 36C since like the end of seventh grade.
And now all my bras are too small.
My mom goes "You're like me. If you gain weight it all goes to your boobs. When you lose weight they're the first things you'll lose."
So I don't want to go out and by D bras if I'm going to lose weight and not need them. Ya know?

Hahaaha, sorry guys for that. But I had to vent it out.

I need to go do something productive.
So I guess I'm done here.

xoxo<3

The Loneliness Building with Each Passing Day. But I'm Getting Used to It, You Have to Get Used to It

You can't fucking forget someone.
I don't care how hard you try.
You can replace someone, which is what he did.
But you can't ever forget someone.
Once they're a part of your life, they're always there.

It was a bad day.
A horrible day.
I'm about to cry.

It's funny how one person can know you so well:

"I hope this eats you alive.
I hope it tears you apart every fucking night"

"You're shallow.
You're worthless."

"You're a slut.
You're a tease.
You're a hypocrite.
You're a dumbass.
You're a fucking idiot. "

whatever.

xoxo

I Freaked Out Thinking People Didn't Love Me, I Watched Closely As The You I Knew Forgot Me.

kelllllogss (4:51:09 PM): don't think this is sketchy.. but.
L0VEmeHARDCORE x (4:51:15 PM): ...
kelllllogss (4:51:23 PM): i had a dream about you and nick eloping.
L0VEmeHARDCORE x (4:51:29 PM): lmfao!
kelllllogss (4:56:19 PM): you went to his house ( i drove you) and you were like "nicholas i love you. please marry me please" and he kissed you and you guys got in the car and we went to las vages ( really fast) and elvis married you two and then you had a reception party and evferyone was there and my dad and yer mom hooked up and got married ( SCARY ) and it was month later and we were at the wedding (your mom my dad) and start screaming crying and you and nick look at me and yer like "what" and i was like i dont wanna be his sister-ish in-law thing and you started laughing and he laughed and i cried and then i woke up. [:

^that would be why I love my best friend.

I was just reading all the blogs I have missed, and it seems like everyone's so down lately, including me. Is Lindsey right? Is there something in the air?
One of my problems is I internalize other peoples problems, and I'll sit and try to think about how I can subtly fix them without getting into the person's life. But it always pisses people off.

I got into the faculty choreography piece that I wanted. It's Susan's piece and we found out today that it's about a myth of Neptune from the Aeneid. It's really cool. We learned part of it in modern class so I was ahead of the kids who had ballet today. Yay.

I hate when people bitch about me in their blogs and think I won't know it's me. It's like duh, I'm not stupid. If I'm going to bitch about people I let them know and I use their name. So you should have the guts to also.

Let's get one thing straight.
No matter what I've said in previous blogs, I don't hate Nick.
I don't have the ability to hate anyone.

My mommy just gave me salad, yummmm.

Ohboy, lets talk about Rory.
I've never felt as uncomfortable being around one of my ex's as I do around him.
I don't even know why.
He kept touching me again today and I finally yelled at him for it and he laughed.
He doesn't get that I'm fucking serious.

I colored my Hello Kitty (THAT STUPID 7 YEAR OLD OBSESSION ;]) coloring book during period 4, lunch, and period 5 today. Stress relieverrrrrr.

I also took my ADHD meds for the first time today. I didn't see a big difference..

I'm starting to become a fan of The Hush Sound. I had listened to some stuff before but I'm listening to more now. Yay. They're goood.

This is the first night I haven't had bad anxiety in three nights, and the first night I haven't had any anxiety in like a week.
Stupid anxiety came back after like three months.
Coincidentally after Nick basically told me to fuck off.
No, it's not coincidence. When I used to get anxious even a little bit I'd talk to him about it or just talk to him in general, and I'd be fine. It probably pissed him fucking off but it helped me.

Well, I have to go write out my ECA dance, make a math midterm study guide, shower, and color Hello Kitty.
Sounds fun, ay?

xoxo<3>

I Miss You More Than I Should, Than I Though I Could. Can't Take My Eyes Off You.

Blah, sleep is not my thing lately.

My gerbil is going to die like any day now. He has a tumor on his stomach and he's just looking worse and more sick now. And it sucks because I always know that when I go to his cage, he could be dead. And I'm going to miss that little critter.

My stalker, from SHS, went on vacation over break and he gave me a necklace today. And it was sweet, but made me feel awkward. I hate when people get me things. When Nick and I were dating and he went on vacation I like begged him not to get me anything. This kid and I aren't even dating and he's buying me stuffff. Uggghhhh.

I had an anxiety attack last night. Like my first one in 3 months. It sucked. I couldn't fall asleep til 12:30 and then I woke up a whole bunch of times during the night with crazy anxiety and freaking out thinking it was time for school. And I can't sleep again tonight, hence why I'm writing. I wish this fucking anxiety would go away, but I don't think it is ever going to.

I envy pretty people with such a passion. Those people who take gorgeous pictures all the time and always look good make me so effffffing jealous. Blahhhh.

My therapist actually proved to be a real person tonight. She was telling me about her teenage years and how she acts out of work. She's not that freakishly nice person that I thought. Thankk Goddd. Maybe this is actually going to work out.

My mom talked about moving to another state in September. Just to start over. I'm actually thinking about it. There's not that many people who will miss me here. And there's not that many dateable guys here lol. But in all seriousness. I might be gone before Junior year. I just don't know.

Steve was texting me last night saying he wanted me with him. And I wish I could've been there :/

Oh and I want to see The Unborn or The Uninvited. So like if any of you want to see them when they come out, let me know(:

xoxo<3

Love Songs Suck and Fairytales Aren't True. And Happy Ending Hollywood Is Not For Me and You.

Pretty much every little fucking thing reminds me of Nick.
"Hot N Cold", "Right Na Na Na", his stupid brother and his myspace pictures, playing pool, Xbox, Guitar Hero, fucking every fucking thing.
I try my fucking hardest to forget about him, but then some stupid person or thing reminds me.

I don't think I am going to sleep much tonight. I have so much anxiety about school.
How many Abilify pills can I take before something bad happens?
I already cleaned my room, and that helped for a while, but now I'm all sdijjcfsajfwecwb again.
If you think you can do anything to help, uhm, text please?

I'm so like not focusable right now.
I can't write.
I'll be up for a while. Text me.

I'm Trying To Find A Way Out Of This Mess That I Guess I Got Us In On My Own

Have you ever felt like someone is trying their hardest to break you down?
And although it isn't working, they're still trying extremely hard?

I love how my anxiety meds don't work for anxiety.
Tmrw, err.. today, is officially back to life.
Dance at 8 and then homework and getting ready for school.
And it's giving me so much anxiety, and that makes me not want to sleep. Hence why I'm here.

Lindsey might kill me for this but, I loved it.
So I thought I'd share..

"I've given up on everything
My funeral bells have begun to sing.
Look at it this way, at least you won.
A broken promise but the deed is done."

That was my life for a while.
But the perfectionism is coming back.
And that means I can't give up on everything.
Even if I want to.

I feel like such an outcast in my family.
Here in Seymour, you kind of gotta be loud and make a fool out of yourself to be noticed and liked.
And that's how I've grown up. And how I'm changing.
In my family they all sit quietly and are like anti social.
They like always make fun of me and called me dumb.
It's not my fault they act like they're dead all the time.
But it's like, I have to try not to be myself when I'm around them.
I'm not a fan. Not at all.

Let's put this in Harry Potter terms, for you kids.
Since we all know how much you all love that.
I was told I shouldn't mention a certain someone.
So I was thinking about that tonight, and it's like freaking Voldemort.
Freaking "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
And that's kind of how this is going to go.
This "certain someone" will be known as "the-person-I'm-not-supposed-to-mention"

That's all I have to say, for now.
Oh, and lets hope I have better dreams tonight.

xoxo<3

Now She Hardly Recognizes Herself At All.

I seem to be waking up with "Slow Motion" by Third Eye Blind in my head a lot lately.
And I don't know why, cause it's like a freakish song.

I had a dream about the kid I'm not supposed to mention last night. In my dream we were hanging out again. And then my cat woke me because he had gotten locked in my room. When I woke up I checked my phone and had an email from Blogger that I had a new comment from the exact same kid saying that he's done with me. Which I knew, but then I couldn't fall back to sleep cause I was thinking about a lot.
And when I finally fell back to sleep? I had a dream that I met some kid named Dimitri (go figure, ahah, and I made him watch Anastasia, well kind of, because..) and we ended up making out on my bed? Hahaha, like that would ever happen.

So I went to Roller Magic with Rory last night, and I was standing by the door trying to call Lindsey and this kid walks in with his friends (and thinks I'm deaf?) and goes "She's hot" so his friend goes "Who?" and he points to me. So I turned around cause it was awkward like, lol. So then I was skating again and I came back to check a text and the kid whispers something to his friend and his friend goes "Go flirt with her." So, I'm kind of like sweet, maybe somethings going to happen. (I was in a crazy teasing mood last night =/) So I like sat at a table by myself kind of hoping he'd come over and then Rory comes over and the kid sees him. The kid ended up never coming over, because Rory kept sitting with me. And I think the kid thought rory was my boyfriend. Uhhhhggggg.

I started my diet today. A little late, I know, Florida is in 21 days. But it's whatevs. I'm going to have a bagel/granola bar for breakfast, an apple for lunch, maybe pretzels on the way home from ECA, and dinner everyday. Sounds good, ay?

Why does it seem that your heart is against you? And makes you fall in love with the worst people?

I have to go to my cousin's 18th birthday party tonight. Woo. Except not.

Am I truly happy? I've changed into the kind of person I've always hated.
Is this what I want to be? It seems like it is? But I'm not sure.
I'm not as quiet, not as reserved. I'd probably do anything to please someone.
That's not me, well, not the old me. Is it the new me? Is this who I am?
This shouldn't be such a hard thing. It really shouldn't. But yet it is.
Is this a change for the better? Opinions?

"I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we really don't even have. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is.. to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all"

xoxo<3

You’re Gonna See Me In Your Dreams Tonight. My Face Is Gonna Haunt You All The Time.

This would be what I do when I'm home alone.
Kay, so people have joked about me being a stripper or pornstar. And you know, it's always been a joke, right? at like 1:23, i take my shirt off. So maybe they're all right? This is my future job? Ahah, well at least I was smart enough to use an effect that makes me hard to see. ;] btw, the vid ends at roughly 1:47. I haven't finished the whole thing yet.

By Summer I'll Have You On Your Knees, Come August and You'll Lie Right Through Your Teeth.

I am in such a good fucking mood.
And have been since like, 8:30 p.m on December 31st.

I have the house to myself.
Which is amazing.
I got to eat ice cream out of the carton in my bra and sweatpants, in the living room.
And I danced around to "Circus" by Britney Spears.
Ahaha. It all made my night.

My mommy says she's worried about me.
She says she thinks this is fake happiness.
But what she doesn't get is this is the first time I've been seriously happy in two years.
She got all mad because of the "fighting" with Nick stuff.
But hey, the way I see it? If we're fighting, he's talking to me :PPP

Speaking of Nicholasss..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIDDDD(:

I was planning on IMing him but yeah.. he probably read that blog and would know it was me, ahaha.

I am so hyper right now, and in such a good mood. ahhhhh.

I can't wait for the concert. I'm listening to "Books and Letters" by the Morning Light, right now.
I'd suggest going and listening to it. (If you want an easy way go to www.myspace.com/xo_nichole_ox)

I'm getting tired. But I had to stay up and Happy Birthday Nick at 12. So here I am.

I'm sorry this blog is so random, it's just my non ability to focus at the moment.

I really love my black hair. Like I think it's amazing.

I can almost bet that I'll freak out at like 2 in the morning and call my mom telling her that I think someone is in the house. That's be sooo like me.

I don't think Steve gets how much I'm starting to fall for him.
He always talks about hanging out or us running away together but it never happens.
And I reallly want to hook up or maybe even date him. Like srrrssllyyy.

I'm freezing right now. Well, my hands are.

I keep thinking tmrw is Saturday and I have dance. But it's not, and I don't.

This vacation sucked. I like didn't sleep past nine at all, no matter how late I fell asleep. Maybe tmrw?

I'm done. This is beginning to not make sense(:

xoxo<3

Your Words Don't Stick, I Ain't Perfect, But You Ain't Either

New years was great. Lindsey finally gave me her pics :PPP The rest of the ones I took are on fbook. Watch our vids on there and you'll see why I love my friends so much<3

I'm A Put On A Show Kind Of Girl

Ty, that was more of a joke kiddd.
I wasn't like srsly serious.

And yeah. I do love attention on me.
Who doesn't? ;D

I'm actually a nice person.
I'd love to have a civil conversation where you tell me why you're truly mad at me.
Cause honestly, I could go either way. I'd love to never talk to you again, but at the same time I hate having enemies for no reason.
So I'll let you decide.
I'm done with the whole crying and being like "why the fuck does Nick always hate me?" and I have been done with that.
It's stupid, it was pointless. You used me, I fell for you.
Stupid stuff like that, and it makes me realize that I need to move on, and I gladly will.
So do as you please. Try and make yourself hate me, or talk to me if you want.
Just don't you dare come back to me right after Camden and you breakup, Cause I'm not going to talk to you if that's how you're planning on playing this game.

I'm Trying to Find Out if My Words Have Any Meaning.

Last night was amazing.
We took pictures, attempted to make cookies (but we messed up the recipe because we were too busy throwing flour at each other), made videos, and played guitar hero world tour and American Idol.
I love my friends to death.

And what completely made my night?
Steve called at like 12:20 and said "Happy New Year, babe!"
So I was like "You too, hun!" and then he said something I couldn't understand so I hung up =O
But then I texted and I was like "I couldn't hear you, but Happy New Year!" and he texted back saying "Happy New Year, love!!!"
Seriously. Made. My. Night.

Bee Tee Dubbs,
I'm on ADHD meds now.
Fun stuff?
I only have to take them when I feel like I'll need them. Easy enough.
The anxiety doctor started to ask about if I would take them by saying "Do you know anything about Stimulants?"
And me, being the obnoxious bitch I am goes, "Yeah, my health teacher said they were bad and to never take them."
So then later on he goes "Do you have any boys in your life?"
And I'm like "No."
And he goes "Do you want one?"
And I was like "No."
And he goes "Good. Boys, can't live with them, can't live without them"
So I go "That's in a Britney Spears song!!!" lol.

Mark told me last night he missed having a crush on me.
Cute, I guess? (:

Everyone's following me to blogger?!
Ty's here now, and Nick.
Haha, and lets hope Nick doesn't read previous posts? (:
I wouldn't be surprised if Cariss showed up here too. In fact, I'm trying to get her on here.

My other blog? The title is the date around when the poem was written.
And by that, you can usually figure out who it's about. That is, if you know my past.

I have the house to myself tonight. Srsly, someone come chill with me.

So I'm just sitting here thinking, and it's a new year.
I can start over, I can change who I am.
I'm going to stop being so caught up in my past, and live for the present.
I'm actually going to let guys in, and actually date.
Wow, I'm excited for this year. It's going to be amazing.

But wait, maybe I'm not going to date.
Because I don't take it srsly anymore.
And I don't want to use anyone. I've been used and it hurts really bad. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone.
But maybe I do? You've gotta play the game or you get hurt.
If it's not just a game, and you're into it? You get hurt.
So maybe I will play the game..

I'm jealous.
Like all my friends that turn 16 this year have early birthdays.
Its like January, May & July. And then I'm December.
Laaaammmeee.

Addition to list of cute things

1. Proposing with a ring from like one of those quarter machines. (but then getting a real ring after)
   

p.s- after reading Nick's blogs, I almost died laughing. And my mom goes "Maybe that's why he hates you, cause you don't take his stuff seriously."

xoxo<3