I've beeen extremely happy lately.
I've been keeping everything organized and clean, eating on a really good diet, and doing well in school.
I think things are looking up.
I took my make up CAPT test today and had been told it was almost impossible.
I thought it was pretty easy.
I got a 95 on my english project even though I fucked up reciting the poem, haha.
Dance is getting close to recital time. Yay :]
I went in to class tonight and gosh, I just love those kids. I really hope I end up with a lead teacher position in the future.
I started reading a book called 'Just Listen' It's okay, I guess. The author keeps like going off to long paragraphs about things that don't matter, and totally get me off track.
I know there's no real format to this blog. I don't have anything to go into detail about tonight.
Bee tee dubbs, HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY! :D
xoxo<3
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Can't You See? I'm My Own Worst Enemy. Knock Me Down, I'll Keep On Moving. Cause It's The Art of Losing.
So dance.. I hate my class.
My class has ALWAYS had a drama problem. The girls who have been there forever hate the new girls. I'm sure you've seen previous posts saying this.
We had a class discussion tonight about how Kristi feels people hate her because she's on the staff and I put in that I feel that the old girls hate all the new girls. And Kristi was quick to jump to my defense saying that I've proved myself and I always know the dances. But still, I haven't proved myself to Stephanie. She has no reason to hate me. And honestly, not to sound like a bitch but I think she does get jealous of me at times. Last year I won the Dance teacher's Scholarship Award in my 6th year of dance, and she's danced for almost 15 years and hasn't gotten it. I think she's pissed that I remember stuff that she doesn't at times and that I've done so well in that class.
I found out that Jess hates me because Nick bitched out Jaime last year when I questioned him after Jaime told me some stuff. Apparently Jess sees it as my fault, and clearly hasn't gotten over it.
I hate having friends from school in dance class. Because they never come to dance, and they don't try when they come. Kristi has addressed it so many times, and even Diana. And my school friends expect me to side with them, because we were friends longer. But I side with Kristi, because she's right. I've had to say "I can't, I have dance" so many times. Because dance is what I live for. I know how important it is and how important knowing the routines is for recitals is. And my school friends don't get it. Meliss skipped a make up practice class that she NEEDS because she knows nothing so she could go to the outlets. WTF. Recital is in 2 1/2 months. She still needs to learn the rest of the dances, not counting all the parts of the dances we already know.
I feel so torn. My friends expect me to be on their side, but I honestly can't be. Dance means so much to me.. so much more than anything else ever will. For real, I think it means more to me than getting married and/or having kids.
I remembered parts to all the dances tonight that people forgot. And after jazz Stephanie was actually nice and acknowledged that I was the one to remember.
After I came home from dance I started crying. I can't take the dance class stress anymore. My mom was like "Tell your friends how important dance is to you, and that they need to go" but I can't do that cause they get all bitchy with me.
Kayla keeps saying she's going to Aimee's Academy next year. Which honestly, I don't care. Because she can go screw up Aimee's routines, and take Meliss with her.
I really feel like my only true friend in dance class is Jaime. I love that girl with all my heart.
And Kristi's my friend too, except when Jess and Steph are around -rolls eyes-
In good dance news?
I had to fill in for Jamie Potter's assisting class tonight. Miss Rebecca was happy I was there cause apparently she "needed a break from Jamie." What I heard from the other assistant is that Jamie walks out of her assisting class to talk on her cell to her boyfriend. Miss Becky liked having me there, score for me.
Oh and my neighbor is friends with one of the girls I teach on Tuesdays? The girl saw me today and came over to say hi. It's nice to know that the girls I teach like me. Atleast that makes some people.. Even if they are all between the ages of 6 & 8.
Whatever, I hope you're all having a better day than me.
Love you guys xoxo
My class has ALWAYS had a drama problem. The girls who have been there forever hate the new girls. I'm sure you've seen previous posts saying this.
We had a class discussion tonight about how Kristi feels people hate her because she's on the staff and I put in that I feel that the old girls hate all the new girls. And Kristi was quick to jump to my defense saying that I've proved myself and I always know the dances. But still, I haven't proved myself to Stephanie. She has no reason to hate me. And honestly, not to sound like a bitch but I think she does get jealous of me at times. Last year I won the Dance teacher's Scholarship Award in my 6th year of dance, and she's danced for almost 15 years and hasn't gotten it. I think she's pissed that I remember stuff that she doesn't at times and that I've done so well in that class.
I found out that Jess hates me because Nick bitched out Jaime last year when I questioned him after Jaime told me some stuff. Apparently Jess sees it as my fault, and clearly hasn't gotten over it.
I hate having friends from school in dance class. Because they never come to dance, and they don't try when they come. Kristi has addressed it so many times, and even Diana. And my school friends expect me to side with them, because we were friends longer. But I side with Kristi, because she's right. I've had to say "I can't, I have dance" so many times. Because dance is what I live for. I know how important it is and how important knowing the routines is for recitals is. And my school friends don't get it. Meliss skipped a make up practice class that she NEEDS because she knows nothing so she could go to the outlets. WTF. Recital is in 2 1/2 months. She still needs to learn the rest of the dances, not counting all the parts of the dances we already know.
I feel so torn. My friends expect me to be on their side, but I honestly can't be. Dance means so much to me.. so much more than anything else ever will. For real, I think it means more to me than getting married and/or having kids.
I remembered parts to all the dances tonight that people forgot. And after jazz Stephanie was actually nice and acknowledged that I was the one to remember.
After I came home from dance I started crying. I can't take the dance class stress anymore. My mom was like "Tell your friends how important dance is to you, and that they need to go" but I can't do that cause they get all bitchy with me.
Kayla keeps saying she's going to Aimee's Academy next year. Which honestly, I don't care. Because she can go screw up Aimee's routines, and take Meliss with her.
I really feel like my only true friend in dance class is Jaime. I love that girl with all my heart.
And Kristi's my friend too, except when Jess and Steph are around -rolls eyes-
In good dance news?
I had to fill in for Jamie Potter's assisting class tonight. Miss Rebecca was happy I was there cause apparently she "needed a break from Jamie." What I heard from the other assistant is that Jamie walks out of her assisting class to talk on her cell to her boyfriend. Miss Becky liked having me there, score for me.
Oh and my neighbor is friends with one of the girls I teach on Tuesdays? The girl saw me today and came over to say hi. It's nice to know that the girls I teach like me. Atleast that makes some people.. Even if they are all between the ages of 6 & 8.
Whatever, I hope you're all having a better day than me.
Love you guys xoxo
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Post Number 61
And suddenly.. I can't sleep.
I still feel like shit, my head is pounding.
So much just popped into my head.
I haven't had anxiety like this since the beginning of February. I don't know where it's coming from.
I really have a feeling I'm not going to pass English this year, and if I don't then I'm in high school for 5 years.
I just need someone to talk to right now but I'm not one to start a conversation because I feel blah.
I want to write, but I keep blanking out and not focusing. Part of this virus or cold or whatever it is.
I don't think I ever used to get sick this much. I think having the lyme disease screwed up my immune system.
Yay. Or not really at all.
P.s- I still hate that chick.
I still feel like shit, my head is pounding.
So much just popped into my head.
I haven't had anxiety like this since the beginning of February. I don't know where it's coming from.
I really have a feeling I'm not going to pass English this year, and if I don't then I'm in high school for 5 years.
I just need someone to talk to right now but I'm not one to start a conversation because I feel blah.
I want to write, but I keep blanking out and not focusing. Part of this virus or cold or whatever it is.
I don't think I ever used to get sick this much. I think having the lyme disease screwed up my immune system.
Yay. Or not really at all.
P.s- I still hate that chick.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Post Number 60
I can't sleep.
I haven't been this low in a while.
I think it's because I'm disappointed in myself.
I know I have temporary coping methods, but I keep telling myself not to use them because they're bad.
But they are oh so tempting.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be one of those always happy people in life.
Greeaaaat.
I haven't been this low in a while.
I think it's because I'm disappointed in myself.
I know I have temporary coping methods, but I keep telling myself not to use them because they're bad.
But they are oh so tempting.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be one of those always happy people in life.
Greeaaaat.
Oh Darlin, If You Leave Me, I'll Never Make It Alone
I'm not going to update about yesterday.
I believe the only two people who were there are the only two who read this.
And anything I want Lindsey to know will be told through text/mouth.
This morning's class was especially rough.
Not that I kept messing up, I just had like a max of 5 hours of sleep last night.
I got home at like 10:15 last night and my mom was sleeping in my bed.
So I let her sleep for like a half hour. And at like 10:50 I woke her up.
I didn't fall asleep until like 11:30, then I woke up so many times during the night and could not sleep.
You know how there was a time change? There goes an hour. Oh and, I changed my cell time before bed so I'd be on time for dance because it's my alarm.. turns out cell's change automatically so it set me back another hour. So when my alarm went off at what was supposed to be 6:30, it was really 5:30. Well, I didn't realize that til 6:15. So then I set my alarm for 7 and tried to fall back to sleep. And couldn't. FML.
After dance, my aunt took my brother and I out.
But what I don't get is why she ALWAYS takes us towards west haven.
I dont fucking want to be anywhere near west haven.
Or new haven, which we end up in, because it reminds me of ECA and depresses me.
So I tried to sleep, which ended with her bringing me home because 'i was tired and needed sleep'
I got an hours worth of sleep then had to go to Stop & Shop because I promised one of the little girls I teach that I'd go buy girl scout cookies from her. So I did.
This is the first time in like 3 or more years that I've had them.
But ugh, they're oh so bad for you. Oh yeah, and for my diet which I was actually doing good with and doing the right way.
Fanfuckingtasic.
Aren't I just a bundle of joy tonight?
Ugh, sorrry guys. I don't mean to be all bitchy.
People just set me off.
Then I picked up Kayla and went to dance. At the Shelton studio. With the Shelton class.
I like them so much more than oxford's class. Oxford is bitchy.
Steph and Katie were there and I looove those girls (:
The highlight of my day?
The next three Sundays dance is til 10, not 10:30.
On of the many downfalls?
After those three Sundays, dance goes til 12 or later.
8-12? Not my favorite. I've done class like that before.
The last time? Two years ago.
The studio doesn't use AC so as it gets the hotter, so does the studio and so does the dancers.
The floor was gross. We were all slipping because it was covered in sweat.
I really hope it doesn't end up like that again.
Well, I didn't get enough sleep so I'm going to bed early.
I'm trying to be positive and happy.
It's failing.
Ohboy. Here we go.
xoxo<3
I believe the only two people who were there are the only two who read this.
And anything I want Lindsey to know will be told through text/mouth.
I really feel I hate this chick with an extreme passion.I had dance from 8-10:30 this morning and 5-7 tonight.
I've never hated someone this much before.
Just when people mention her name, I get pissed.
My mom's all mad. "You can't judge her, you don't know her"
Fuck that, she judged me and she doesn't know me.
All she does is whine, constantly.
Get a fucking life, make some fucking friends.
K thanks.
This morning's class was especially rough.
Not that I kept messing up, I just had like a max of 5 hours of sleep last night.
I got home at like 10:15 last night and my mom was sleeping in my bed.
So I let her sleep for like a half hour. And at like 10:50 I woke her up.
I didn't fall asleep until like 11:30, then I woke up so many times during the night and could not sleep.
You know how there was a time change? There goes an hour. Oh and, I changed my cell time before bed so I'd be on time for dance because it's my alarm.. turns out cell's change automatically so it set me back another hour. So when my alarm went off at what was supposed to be 6:30, it was really 5:30. Well, I didn't realize that til 6:15. So then I set my alarm for 7 and tried to fall back to sleep. And couldn't. FML.
After dance, my aunt took my brother and I out.
But what I don't get is why she ALWAYS takes us towards west haven.
I dont fucking want to be anywhere near west haven.
Or new haven, which we end up in, because it reminds me of ECA and depresses me.
So I tried to sleep, which ended with her bringing me home because 'i was tired and needed sleep'
I got an hours worth of sleep then had to go to Stop & Shop because I promised one of the little girls I teach that I'd go buy girl scout cookies from her. So I did.
This is the first time in like 3 or more years that I've had them.
But ugh, they're oh so bad for you. Oh yeah, and for my diet which I was actually doing good with and doing the right way.
Fanfuckingtasic.
Aren't I just a bundle of joy tonight?
Ugh, sorrry guys. I don't mean to be all bitchy.
People just set me off.
Then I picked up Kayla and went to dance. At the Shelton studio. With the Shelton class.
I like them so much more than oxford's class. Oxford is bitchy.
Steph and Katie were there and I looove those girls (:
The highlight of my day?
The next three Sundays dance is til 10, not 10:30.
On of the many downfalls?
After those three Sundays, dance goes til 12 or later.
8-12? Not my favorite. I've done class like that before.
The last time? Two years ago.
The studio doesn't use AC so as it gets the hotter, so does the studio and so does the dancers.
The floor was gross. We were all slipping because it was covered in sweat.
I really hope it doesn't end up like that again.
Well, I didn't get enough sleep so I'm going to bed early.
I'm trying to be positive and happy.
It's failing.
Ohboy. Here we go.
xoxo<3
Friday, March 6, 2009
And Baby When It's Love If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun
Bad night turned good.
At first I was all pissed because it was like Friday night alone with my mom.
But after we dropped Beave off at his school thing, she asked me what I wanted to do.
So joking I'm like "Go spend $100 on new clothes" and she was srsly like "Okay, where do you want to go?"
But then I reallly didn't want to go shopping. So I asked if we could go to Maggie McFlys (sp?) because the last time I went there was like 5 or 6 years ago, maybe more, and last Saturday we were talking about it at dance.
So we got there, and it was packed. So we left. And went to the parent teacher store in Oakville because my mom needed stuff for work tmrw.
So we went to Subway for dinner and I got my turkey, pickles, and carrots, and the chick put a super lot of pickles and carrots on it. yummm :]]]
Then it turns out there was a frozen yogurt place like right next door.
So I got frozen yogurt.
Best meal ever. Because I don't feel totally ridic eating it because most of it is low fat.
Dance til 12 tmrw morning. But I absolutely love that class so it's good.
Tonight was fun, but I want plans with friends for tmrw. So get on that, guys (:
Plus, I'm supposed to be typing out all our dances for this chick in my dance class. Which I have them handwritten but typing will take forever.
So, if one of you give me plans, I can procrastinate and do the dances later.
My dance teacher's guinea pig had babies. I get one if my mom agrees. Yay.
I need sleep. I could not fall asleep last night and I'm beat.
Text me and I'll love you.
xoxo<3
At first I was all pissed because it was like Friday night alone with my mom.
But after we dropped Beave off at his school thing, she asked me what I wanted to do.
So joking I'm like "Go spend $100 on new clothes" and she was srsly like "Okay, where do you want to go?"
But then I reallly didn't want to go shopping. So I asked if we could go to Maggie McFlys (sp?) because the last time I went there was like 5 or 6 years ago, maybe more, and last Saturday we were talking about it at dance.
So we got there, and it was packed. So we left. And went to the parent teacher store in Oakville because my mom needed stuff for work tmrw.
So we went to Subway for dinner and I got my turkey, pickles, and carrots, and the chick put a super lot of pickles and carrots on it. yummm :]]]
Then it turns out there was a frozen yogurt place like right next door.
So I got frozen yogurt.
Best meal ever. Because I don't feel totally ridic eating it because most of it is low fat.
Dance til 12 tmrw morning. But I absolutely love that class so it's good.
Tonight was fun, but I want plans with friends for tmrw. So get on that, guys (:
Plus, I'm supposed to be typing out all our dances for this chick in my dance class. Which I have them handwritten but typing will take forever.
So, if one of you give me plans, I can procrastinate and do the dances later.
My dance teacher's guinea pig had babies. I get one if my mom agrees. Yay.
I need sleep. I could not fall asleep last night and I'm beat.
Text me and I'll love you.
xoxo<3
Thursday, March 5, 2009
My Therapist Could Never Classify Conditions, All Right What's Wrong Already?
Seems like I haven't posted in FOREVER!
Well, cause I haven't..
Tonight and tomorrow was the ECA show that I had started practices for.
I feel terrible about leaving.
BUT.. since I've left I've had so much less anxiety, and I'm actually back to all A's like I was in middle school.
Plus, I'm going to more CSPA classes and enjoying them more.
But I still feel like less of a dancer because I'm not there.
I feel like now I'm just an average person, nothing special.
We drove by ECA the other day and I wanted to cry.
I've benefited so much from leaving, but still, I feel horrible about it.
On Sunday in VIPs, Nicole almost killed me.
Well not literally.
We have to do this thing where she holds my right leg and I have to put my hands down like a handstand and pull my left leg up into an attitude (if you know what that means). If she doesn't come close enough to me I'll fall onto my head/stomach, if she comes too close, I flip over onto my back. THANK GOD, we were using the mats. She dropped me at least 5 times before she finally got it. It's a really fun thing though. I can't wait for recital.
Three days of CAPT down. All the writing ones. I think I'm doing pretty decent. Science tmrw, ughhh! Science and math, not my strong point.
You guys have got to meet the bunny I'm bunny sitting! She's so cute. I love her to death. She hops around my floor and she chased my cat through the house the other day. Good, right? Considering my cat is obese.
Stupid Meliss is getting to go to Florida, but because Lindsey did it. She never goes to school, why does she deserve Florida?!
God, FML.
I go to school, get good grades, do extra curricular activities and I get nothing. I barely ever get new clothes, my hair done, my nails done. Like anything, even stuff I need. And she doesn't do like anything and gets Florida, a new camera, new clothes and her hair done.
It's just not fair.
But hey, life isn't fair.
If I wanted to be a failure I could get my therapist to tell the school I'm too afraid to go and I could only have two classes too. But the real world doesn't work like that. So, I'm going to actually do what I have to.
Fuck people who just stay home and hang out with friends because they are too lazy to go to school.
Well, cause I haven't..
Tonight and tomorrow was the ECA show that I had started practices for.
I feel terrible about leaving.
BUT.. since I've left I've had so much less anxiety, and I'm actually back to all A's like I was in middle school.
Plus, I'm going to more CSPA classes and enjoying them more.
But I still feel like less of a dancer because I'm not there.
I feel like now I'm just an average person, nothing special.
We drove by ECA the other day and I wanted to cry.
I've benefited so much from leaving, but still, I feel horrible about it.
On Sunday in VIPs, Nicole almost killed me.
Well not literally.
We have to do this thing where she holds my right leg and I have to put my hands down like a handstand and pull my left leg up into an attitude (if you know what that means). If she doesn't come close enough to me I'll fall onto my head/stomach, if she comes too close, I flip over onto my back. THANK GOD, we were using the mats. She dropped me at least 5 times before she finally got it. It's a really fun thing though. I can't wait for recital.
Three days of CAPT down. All the writing ones. I think I'm doing pretty decent. Science tmrw, ughhh! Science and math, not my strong point.
You guys have got to meet the bunny I'm bunny sitting! She's so cute. I love her to death. She hops around my floor and she chased my cat through the house the other day. Good, right? Considering my cat is obese.
Stupid Meliss is getting to go to Florida, but because Lindsey did it. She never goes to school, why does she deserve Florida?!
God, FML.
I go to school, get good grades, do extra curricular activities and I get nothing. I barely ever get new clothes, my hair done, my nails done. Like anything, even stuff I need. And she doesn't do like anything and gets Florida, a new camera, new clothes and her hair done.
It's just not fair.
But hey, life isn't fair.
If I wanted to be a failure I could get my therapist to tell the school I'm too afraid to go and I could only have two classes too. But the real world doesn't work like that. So, I'm going to actually do what I have to.
Fuck people who just stay home and hang out with friends because they are too lazy to go to school.
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About Me
- Nichole<3!
- I'm loud. I'm obnoxious. I'm not sure if I believe in love. I'm a hair dying addict, and a blogging addict. I live my life around dance<3 Music keeps me alive. Follow my blog, I'll follow yours. Lets be friends(: