Love, You are Foolish, You're Tired, Your Sleeplessness Makes You a Liar

I can't really assess my mood right now.
I feel shitty but Dave being all "how are you, beautiful" and joking around with me made me a little happy.

I shouldn't have read his blogs last night.
When people write in their blogs, it's always how they really feel.
So when I read all the names he called me and when he told me to "lose some fucking weight" it really like hit me.
And then everything else didn't make me feel much better.
I don't know. Maybe it's stupid.
But everything he talks about sounds a lot like he didn't really ever like me. It all sounds like he just dated me so he had someone to mess around with.
It's really stupid, I know. It just left me feeling so crappy last night.

Today in Math our sub was my dance teachers brother.
And then in HTML & Keyboarding my sub was my old dance teacher.
It made me laughhh.
I wish I could like talk to my old dance teacher, but she's all stuck up now -rolls eyes-

Welll, I really don't have anything to write.
So I guess I'm done.

xoxo<3

In The End I Want To Be Standing At The Beginning With You

I'm actually starting to learn this HTML stuff and I'm doing pretty good in class.
Keyboarding class stresses me to the point where I want to cry but hey, it's whatever.

New Orleans in June, if everything goes as planned.
Nothing fun though, just for the JumpBunch conference.
The last one we went to was 2006 in Orlando.
I guess the only fun part is that since my mom and aunt co-own JumpBunch, and when we do the conferences, my cousins come too, so my brother and I have people to hang out with.

I got valentine's for all my kids that I teach for the Saturday class and wrote them out tonight. Yay!

xoxo<3

I Wanna Kiss You, But If I Do Then I Might Miss You, Babe.

So, to add to my happiness, my therapist is pregnant.
AHHH! I love when people are pregnant. It makes me so happy.
She's due June 6, which is around the same time as my aunt.
She looks too little to be 5 months pregnant.

I went walking with Lindsey and Rissa today. Fun Stuff.

I had something else to write, but I forgots.. oh well.

My mom's trying to get me to look into applying at the Waterbury Arts Magnet School for my last two years of high school.
That means a uniform. Not so sure if I'd be ready for that. But I guess.. it must be okay, people do it all the time.

I'm so beat right now. I just want to sleep but I still have to analyze the rest of the Raven poem, do the biology that I don't understand about Punnett Squares or whatever and I want to watch House (even though I DVR'd it and can easily watch it tmrw.)

Well, God knows what I had planned to say in here. I remembered it like 2 hours ago but now I don't remember at all. That's so like me.

xoxo<3

Blame it on the Goose, Got You Feeling Loose.

I'm in such a good mood.
I've like been so happy.
Except for the end of Keyboarding class today. Cause the work is graded really harsh so I'm probably going to fail.
Eh, whatever.

I've been meaning to post since Saturday, but my weekend was super busy.

On Saturday I had dance, then my cousin picked me up and and went to her house and made cookies. Then we decorated them. We decided to bring some up to my grandfather so we picked up pizza (well, pizza for Alec and poppy, I got chicken parm and Kim got a cal zone) and we spent the night hanging out.
Yesterday, I had dance 8-10:30 like usual. But I'm starting to really like it. The main teacher seems to like me so I'm in front a lot. Yay. And then I went out til like 4, slept from 5-7 and then had dinner, watched Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory, showered and went to sleep.

Ahhh, speaking of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory..
I'm soo happy it's on. It seemed really short last night but I guess that's cause I'm used to watching hour long shows. But whatever, cause Rob Dyrdek is hoottttt. And I love him. Hahah.

I'm really super excited for recital this year. I love our two jazz dances. And I'm starting to like Vips. I wish I could spend all my time at CSPA, it would make my life 100% perfect. But well, since school is a requirement, I'll just keep writing out my dances during my classes at school. :P

I'm so thrilled with everything right now. I don't know like what came over me, but I'm just in a generally good mood. It's been almost four days since I last.. ehhh... you know. I'd like to think that I've finally kicked the habit, hopefullly.

EDIT:
I started HTML class today.
I can handle myspace coding just fine, like when I just have to rearrange it and stuff.
But having to create my own codes has proved to be a challenge.
Why must computers be so complex?

xoxo<3

Put Me in the Hospital for Nerves, And Then They had to Commit Me, You Told Them All I Was Crazy

I'm talking to you occasionally; be thankful.
You think you're God's gift to earth or something?
Fucking Ridiculous. Could you just leave me alone?
You make it sound like I'm such a nuisance to your life.
I can't even stand you anymore.

I've lost like everyone that I ever cared about.
Nick & Tyler got girlfriends. (Guys always stop talking to people when they get girlfriends.)
Ben stopped talking to me ever since I left ECA.
Carrie won't talk to me because I left ECA.
All the ECA kids (with the exception of Pam) won't talk to me since I left ECA.
My mom keeps telling me that I'm screwed up and there is stuff mentally wrong with me. Oh yeah, and that I'm going to "crash and burn" because I won't be able to handle life.

Thanks guys, thanks to all of you.

My school counselor messed up my schedule today. I was stuck once again in study hall period 6 because she put me in Web Design 2 and I haven't taken Web 1 yet. Now, I'm stuck in two computer classes back to back with the same teacher. Fml.

I have a killer headache.
I'm going to do miserable in dance tonight.
I'm failing at everything.
And this week seems longer than ever.
Ya know what? I'm done giving life the benefit of the doubt.
Just kill me.

Fuck It, Let's All Have Fun Let's Mingle. Slap a Bitch and Smack a Ho

Rory:
No, it's not funny when you pretend to grab my boobs, or pretend jack off. No one wants to see it. No one wants to hear your voice. I feel like you're always judging me and making stupid fucking references to past stuff. And I'm so sick and tired of it. And you know I'm on birth control? How? You asked Lindsey if I was taking my meds on vaca. It's none of your fucking business. Today you goes "Go talk to your doctor and he can be like 'Tell me whats wrong.' " No, you have no right to talk about my therapy. You don't even know what it is.

I lied. I know, I'm a horrible person. I don't like Mark. I thought it over, and I was just happy that night because I felt wanted. He's been texting me CONSTANTLY and he started sending me pictures of himself last night. So I sent him a picture of my grandpa's dog(: and he's all "Aww he's cute. Did you like the pictures of me?" I'm like "yeah.. but I'm going to bed now, good night." And then I stayed up another 45 minutes to see Shot at Love. I want him to leave me alone. He made jokes like "Oh, I'm your only stalker" and like, apparently, although he's not my only, he's deff becoming one.

My anxiety doctor decided that I "must not be thinking okay because I quit something I love (ECA)" I love that since I refuse to take my Abilify, it means I should be in I.O.P because it means I'm insane or some bullshit.

I can't stand this on again off again friendship. It's like you only talk to me when you need / want something. Sorry, but that's not how friendship works. So be a friend, or leave. Kthanks.

I hate when people make a big deal about me leaving ECA or keep asking why. I already feel guilty enough about it. Just stfu people.

I never feel completely comfortable around anyone. Only two people so far in my life; my grandpa and some kid. Oh and slowly some girls I dance with. I hate not being able to have conversations with people. I'm so socially awkward.

I'm reading the book Impulse. It's amazing. I'm going to read more.
I'll write more tmrw, if I have anything interesting to say.
Sorry that this was all bitching people out. And they're all guys (go figure ;])
Night.

xoxo<3

Tell Me Where Our Time Went, and If It Was Time Well Spent. Just Don't Let Me Fall Asleep, Feeling Empty Again.

That's my picture where I feel like I look thin. You can't see my belly button ring though :( This was taken before we got in the bubble filled jacuzzi tub :DD

I've had one of the best nights in a long time, (except for the bruise on my knee, but that's from dance, not tonight) but yet I want to cry.

I spent the night at Mark's house with him and his friends.It's like, Mark still likes me, obvs. And he kept flirting with me and I kind of think I like him. I spent like half the night against him or with his arm around me. And he kissed my forehead, which is something I find utterly adorable. But I'm like too afraid to ever kiss him. Why? Cause he has braces. I've never had braces and I've never had to kiss anyone with them before. Like what if its really hard or I fuck it up? Askldjsajslala. He just asked "if I try to kiss you.. Would you let me?" I feel so ridic for letting such a little stupid thing scare me this much. I answered him with "yeah." He's going to be in Seussical and he wants me to go see it. What is with guys and wanting me to see them in Seussical? Haha. But eh, I probs won't go see it because I feel guilty that I never went to see Nick in it. Haha, tonight Mark goes "I'm the only theatre guy you need!" And I was like "Well, I'm not that close with the other one anymore so I guess you're right." Other stuff though, have you ever left like the opposite sex's house and like you get that feeling that you wish you went farther with them or wish you were still with them (like making out with them, not chilling)? I felt that way after I left Mark's tonight. It was like I wished I had kissed him. But like, I'm too afraid. Blahhhhhh! I feel bad though, I don't think I'd ever see myself dating him. I'd just want to hook up, but I don't want to hurt him.

Dance recital is in nine weeks. Damnnn. I'm not ready for it at all. I hope like no one I know comes, not even family. One of the VIPs dances is allll on your knees. So now my left knee has a bruise that hurts like a mother fuckkkerrr.

I am so. fucking. scared. about school tmrw. I'm going to be in an anxiety attack probably by second period. Fuck my lifee. I'm beat, but I'm too scared to sleep because I know that when I sleep it feels like the day comes faster. I was up with anxiety last night too about dance. Only one thing seems to lessen it but I don't want to resort to that again.