I Am Damaged at Best, Like You've Already Figured Out.

Horrible, horrible day.
So I stressed about my English midterm the whole day, to the point where I almost kept crying.
At 2:00, I walked to the guidance office to take the midterm.

Daubney: "Get your articles out"
Me: "I don't have them."
Daubney: "Want to go get them?"
Me: "No, I lost them. I had them but now they're gone."
Daubney: "Want me to get you some to use?"
Me: "No."
Daubney: "Are you sure? This is your decision."
Me: "Yeah, they're not annotated anyway."

So she explains the midterm, "Read this story, write the four essays, then you can attempt this essay with out the articles."
And like the whole time I'm trying super hard not to cry cause I'm so freaking anxious.
As soon as she walked away I started crying.
I tried to read the story but I couldn't concentrate. I just kept crying.
I sat for an hour, trying to collect myself enough to do the work but I just couldn't.
The assistant principal came in to ask how I was doing and I told him "Not well." and then I gave him my blank test and told him to give it to Daubney.
So he was all (real nice and everything) "C'mon, you didn't do any? What's wrong?"
So like a dumbass, I start crying again and I'm like "I can't do it."
So he's like, "Is it too hard? Is it the teacher?"
Finally I'm like "I get really bad anxiety and I can't even concentrate."
He's like, "What if I could get it so you did the test in portions, like a paragraph a day?"
I'm like "No, I just want a zero so I can be done with it."
He goes, "Okay, I see. Do you want to call your mom to come get you? You can wait inside downstairs for her."
So like, my face is all red, you can tell I've been crying and all that fun stuff. When I go downstairs the janitor is vacuuming the front hall thing so I didn't want him to see me (and Rory is a janitor there and I was afraid he'd see me) and I went out the side door and sat in the cold for 25 minutes waiting for my mom.
I got in the car and told her I couldn't take the test and she's all "I'm worried about you. If you can't take a simple test think of all the other things you wont do." So like thanks mom, for making me feel more like a failure, and I go "Sorry I'm such a disappointment" and she tried to turn it around with "No, I mean in the scheme of things it's just a test but still, and no, you're not a disappointment, I'm just really worried about your mental state."
She makes me feel real great about myself.
Not.

Now that I'm done with my long pointless story that you probably didn't even read, I'll move on to other things.

Even though for the last two days I've been eating significantly less than I used to, I still feel like I'm eating way too much. I try to count the calories and keep it down to around 500-700 but I feel like I can't. Like no matter what I do, I always screw it up. And honestly, I don't know if I'm going over that. I'm pretty sure I am, with the having a snack, or just eating in general but I wish I could keep it down to that range. I haven't weighed myself recently. Infact, I'm scared to. But I'm pretty sure I want to lose somewhere around 60 pounds. My current goal is 20 pounds in 21 days. I want to lose a lot of weight. I want to be happy with how I look. I want to look good for recital. I can't screw this up. Not this time.

I danced my ass off tonight. After having that chick make comments about how I "don't practice" last week because I missed three weeks, I wanted to prove her wrong. Truth is, I didn't even practice this week (haha), but I came in and knew all the dances and did them good (well?). I got put in the front line for both jazz dances, fuckyes. I was so mad last year when I was in front for tap and ballet but not jazz. Jazz is my favorite. I got put in the back line for tap, but I'm thankful, cause I suck at tap :) I reallyreallyreally can't wait for recital. I'm going to make my mom tape my dances at recital so I can put them on here and show them to you. They're awesomeee.

I think this kid likes me. He asked me to come over for chinese tonight and I told him I had dance so he told me I should go to the movies with him and his friend tmrw and his friend was like "Yeah, go with him. I'll find a girl too." I don't know. I don't want to assume anything but he whispered something to his friend the other day and his friend goes "I said hi to her (me) in the hallway" and the kid goes "Yeah, but how will that help me?" and when he got my number he was excited. So, I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But I usually always get these things right. Always. But for one, he's older than me. And I don't really think my mom would go for that. But hey, I don't think I'm that into him anyway.

Okay, too much writing. I know.
I just had a lot to say.
But I need to go pretend to go to sleep so my mom doesn't get mad when she finds out I can't sleep because I'm anxious.
Wellll, if you're up, text me?

xoxo<3